H'rumphs

There's that darn curl again. Right in the middle, like I did it on purpose. I'm 42, and after a shower I get this stupid curl that sticks straight up and pulls the hair up from the sides. And that's the hair that I use to cover up my bald spots. Such vile degradations my body suffers. What other hideous surprise awaits me with each new morning? And why did God make hair if the Almighty One is just going to take it all back one clump at a time?

And another thing...oh, hello. Excuse me...I didn't see you pick up the magazine. I wasn't quite ready for you. But since you're here already, I heard this great God joke the other day. And because Sojourners is tight with God, I can tell it. (In any other magazine, of course, it would be a sin.) Anyway, a new arrival to Heaven was standing in line at the cafeteria and this person in a lab coat rushes up and cuts in front of him. Surprised, the new guy turns and remarks to the woman behind him, "I thought that in heaven everybody is treated equally. Who was that guy who just broke in line?" The woman replies, "Him? Oh, that's just God. Every so often he thinks he's a doctor."

And Now The News...

Filmmaker Oliver Stone reacted quickly to new conspiracy theories surrounding the Robert Kennedy assassination by announcing his upcoming movie, RFK.

Experts were not surprised that this workaholic director would take on another controversial project so soon after the release of JFK. But some expressed doubt that he would have time to finish his other current projects, which include:

· UK, a historical costume drama;
· Par-K, a documentary on the troubled American food industry;
· I'm OK, You're OK, an autobiographical reflection;
· Danny K: The Untold Story, and
· ¿Por K? a Spanish-language political thriller.

I'd Like A Window Seat, No Faxing, Please

Frequent flyers are reacting with suspicion to the announcement that the airlines will soon be providing on-board facsimile service to their passengers. Laptop computers are bad enough, said a friend who inevitably ends up between a pair of eager computer slaves clacking away at their keyboards. But now you won't even be able to go to the bathroom without threading your way through the lines of people waiting to use the fax.

Alarmed by this latest development, we here at the H'rumphs Megatrends Desk predict the following scenario for the future.

NEWS ITEM, DATELINE 2001: The Federal Aviation Administration, in its strictest move since the 1990 ban on smoking aboard airliners, limited in-flight fax transmissions to transcontinental routes. The ruling comes a scant six months after the FAA required all faxing passengers to sit at the rear of the airplane, thus freeing up the bulk of seating for non-faxers.

One airline spokesperson predicted major fallout from the business community, noting that some travelers cannot be expected to fly for even an hour or two without faxing. Asked about the recent Surgeon General's report citing the societal damage of fax abuse, the source noted another study commissioned by the airlines that came to the opposite conclusion. "Our study shows that fax use is a personal choice, of no detriment to the transmitter, nor to anyone in the same room.