Because our oldest daughter absolutely refuses to join the Merchant Marines after high school, she made me drive through New England this summer looking at prospective colleges.
H'rumphs
Ed Spivey Jr. 7-01-2000
In just a few short months you'll wake up on a crisp Tuesday after the first Monday in November and do your part to dramatically affect the course of history.
Ed Spivey Jr. 5-01-2000
There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to begin a sentence with a really bad cliche. This is one of those times. You see, words are not coming easy to me these days. And when I do speak, I seem to be talking in gibberish, running my words together in a strange new dialect:
"YOU’REGOINGTOOFAST!" I’ll say, seemingly at random. Or I’ll blurt out "STAYINYOUROWNLANE!!"
Or even, "WATCHTHECURB!"
And I’m talking louder than I used to, as if I were trying to alert someone far away. An ambulance, perhaps.
It’s just a coincidence, of course, that this only happens when I’m in a car being driven by my 16-year-old. While technically still a child, she has earned the right to drive our 2,500-pound minivan because she passed the District of Columbia’s grueling written test, a test specifically designed to weed out incompetent drivers through the use of such demanding questions as:
- What is your name?
- What is your address?
- Do you have $14?
Ed Spivey Jr. 1-01-2000
The breakfast table was covered with birthday cards decoratively labeled "50," which meant somebody in our home had crossed the half-century mark. But who?
Ed Spivey Jr. 7-01-1999
Congratulations to Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic for winning the United Nations’ prestigious First War Criminal Still In Office award.
Ed Spivey Jr. 5-01-1999
"What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or, not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." Tough words from a tough man. The man: Dan Quayle. The words: I have no idea.
Ed Spivey Jr. 3-01-1999
Or did you think Y2K was another Calvin Klein perfume, the kind promoted by pouty models who look like all they want from life is more heroin?
Ed Spivey Jr. 1-01-1999
The global economy is in shambles, the presidency is in crisis, and Americans are struggling under the weight of a broken health care system. But hey, I've got my own problems.
Ed Spivey Jr. 11-01-1998
Film stardom is an elusive dream for most, including even yours truly, whom many have credited with talents well-suited for the big screen.
Ed Spivey Jr. 7-01-1998
Jury duty is one of those responsibilities of citizenship that reminds us that the American justice system is the best in the world. It also reminds us that, if at all possible, we never want to have anything to do with the American justice system. Not ever.
If you’re not a law-abiding citizen when you first report for jury duty, by the end of the day you definitely are. You never want to go back there again, in any capacity. It’s like prison, only without the exercise yard. By the end of my two days I was scratching a crude calendar into the back of the seat in front of me. I wanted to speak to an attorney. I wanted my rights read to me. I wanted to yell "GUARD!!" but that would have interrupted the catatonia of the other 200 people trapped in a room with no windows and 12 ceiling-mounted TVs.
As we waited to be called to trial, we were apparently being tested by having to watch something called Regis and Kathie Lee. I have heard of this program. I have also heard that there are people who watch this of their own free will. But here in this large room there was no choice, no escaping this Regis and Kathie Lee person (or perhaps it was two separate people).
"Come on Steve. Take your shirt off. Let’s see the kind of hunk that stars on General Hospital!" [frenzied screams from audience]
I glance up. Maybe the people in the TV audience are themselves waiting for a jury assignment, except they’re in a more creative city that teaches pity and compassion to its jurors by making them watch celebrities.
Ed Spivey Jr. 5-01-1998
Our cover feature points out the importance of rituals that young men need to prepare them for responsible adulthood, not including the time your mother made you wear a bow tie for Dress-Up Day a
Ed Spivey Jr. 3-01-1998
It's February and so far you haven't kept a single New Year's resolution, have you? Not even the one about setting aside a special time to write in your journal.
Ed Spivey Jr. 1-01-1998
Whew! I was afraid it was hereditary, since my grandfather on my mother’s side had a cousin who looked like a pool cue.
Ed Spivey Jr. 11-09-1997
The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NAFTA) has finally revealed which of the three astronauts was responsible for most of the trouble on board the space station Mir.
Ed Spivey Jr. 9-01-1997
Helllloooooooooo!" That’s what I shouted over the Grand Canyon when we first pulled up. You have to do that. It’s the law.