H'rumphs

There's that darn curl again. Right in the middle, like I did it on purpose. I'm 42, and after a shower I get this stupid curl that sticks straight up and pulls the hair up from the sides. And that's the hair that I use to cover up my bald spots. Such vile degradations my body suffers. What other hideous surprise awaits me with each new morning? And why did God make hair if the Almighty One is just going to take it all back one clump at a time?

And another thing...oh, hello. Excuse me...I didn't see you pick up the magazine. I wasn't quite ready for you. But since you're here already, I heard this great God joke the other day. And because Sojourners is tight with God, I can tell it. (In any other magazine, of course, it would be a sin.) Anyway, a new arrival to Heaven was standing in line at the cafeteria and this person in a lab coat rushes up and cuts in front of him. Surprised, the new guy turns and remarks to the woman behind him, "I thought that in heaven everybody is treated equally. Who was that guy who just broke in line?" The woman replies, "Him? Oh, that's just God. Every so often he thinks he's a doctor."

And Now The News...

Filmmaker Oliver Stone reacted quickly to new conspiracy theories surrounding the Robert Kennedy assassination by announcing his upcoming movie, RFK.

Experts were not surprised that this workaholic director would take on another controversial project so soon after the release of JFK. But some expressed doubt that he would have time to finish his other current projects, which include:

· UK, a historical costume drama;
· Par-K, a documentary on the troubled American food industry;
· I'm OK, You're OK, an autobiographical reflection;
· Danny K: The Untold Story, and
· ¿Por K? a Spanish-language political thriller.

Okay, you America-bashers, you folks who think we've lost our pride and our industrial ingenuity—here's a story that'll wipe that smirk right off your face.

ScotTissue has just released its new "Easy Start Roll" toilet paper, a revolutionary development that rivals the invention of the wheel, the telephone, and those little plastic round things that keep your socks together in the wash.

No more tearing a half-inch into the new roll to get it started. No more spinning and spinning and spinning to find the first square. It's right there, attached to the new "Starter Tab,"^© an ingenious little hangy-down strip that you can easily find, even in the dark (which is invariably when I need it, after getting up in the middle of the night, stepping on a razor-sharp Lego block, then hopping on one foot into the bathroom only to find an empty roll in the holder, and then I reach up for a new one and get hit on the head with an economy-size bottle of PineSol...you know what I'm saying. It's moments like this when a starter tab starts to look like a long-lost friend.)

Thus, it was no contest in awarding this month's coveted "H'rumphs New Product Award" to those forward-thinking folks at ScotTissue. (Note to the Lego people: Did you intentionally design your blocks to feel like shrapnel when stepped on? Do you have something against grownups' bare feet? You folks come up with a Nerf version of your little red and blue anti-personnel devices and maybe you could win the "H'rumphs New Products Award.")

In our "I Made Money the Old-Fashioned Way—I Earned It" category, this just in: Chrysler announced 1991 losses were more than $800 million. CEO Lee Iacocca's salary: $3 million.

H. Ross Perot's campaign for president got a jump start this week when he passed a crucial test of his candidacy: Of all the contenders, Perot placed first in the all-important "Richest White Guy" category, out-distancing George Bush and Bill Clinton by several hundred million dollars.

Buoyed by this early success, Perot announced a campaign slogan that boldly states his commitment to social fairness and economic redistribution: "Vote For Me. I'll Give You 10 Bucks."

And Finally...

A number of readers have written complaining about the frequent references in this column to my lovely daughters. Apparently some of you feel very strongly about this, and want me to adhere unwaveringly to the main purpose of "H'rumphs": To look for the truth behind the news, to prayerfully reflect on the principalities and powers of this age, and then say something dumb about it.

Well, I'm not going to let you down. I apologize for my preoccupation with things personal. And I promise to stop the incessant references to my daughters. To that end, we present a new department:

How My Parents Are Doing

Just kidding.