H'rumphs

I'd Like A Window Seat, No Faxing, Please

Frequent flyers are reacting with suspicion to the announcement that the airlines will soon be providing on-board facsimile service to their passengers. Laptop computers are bad enough, said a friend who inevitably ends up between a pair of eager computer slaves clacking away at their keyboards. But now you won't even be able to go to the bathroom without threading your way through the lines of people waiting to use the fax.

Alarmed by this latest development, we here at the H'rumphs Megatrends Desk predict the following scenario for the future.

NEWS ITEM, DATELINE 2001: The Federal Aviation Administration, in its strictest move since the 1990 ban on smoking aboard airliners, limited in-flight fax transmissions to transcontinental routes. The ruling comes a scant six months after the FAA required all faxing passengers to sit at the rear of the airplane, thus freeing up the bulk of seating for non-faxers.

One airline spokesperson predicted major fallout from the business community, noting that some travelers cannot be expected to fly for even an hour or two without faxing. Asked about the recent Surgeon General's report citing the societal damage of fax abuse, the source noted another study commissioned by the airlines that came to the opposite conclusion. "Our study shows that fax use is a personal choice, of no detriment to the transmitter, nor to anyone in the same room.

"Faxing," he continued, "has also been found to be very relaxing to some people, and provides a comforting release of tension for the busy traveler.

"It's one thing to ban faxing in public places, such as restaurants," he said, referring to last year's Supreme Court ruling. "But why can't businesspeople, after a hard day of making this country work, sit back in their airplane seats, take their shoes off, and ... send a fax?"

Consumer groups, however, citing the dangers of "passive faxing," applauded the FAA ruling, hoping the government would take the next logical step and ban in-flight faxing altogether. "People are sick and tired of this," said a number of Ralph Nader's People Against Using A Fax Machine On Board U.S. Airliners (PAUAFMOBUSA). "They're tired of the constant hum of that machine in the back of the plane, they're tired of the way half the people on board jump up every time they hear that stupid ding-ding-ding.

"The incident over St. Louis was just the last straw," he said. "The FAA had to act."

The consumer advocate was, of course, referring to the mishap last February when a businessman, who hadn't had a fax since he boarded the plane at Denver, overreacted to the sound of the on-board fax machine and started shouting "INCOMING! INCOMING!" The stampede of businesspeople running from first class back to coach so overloaded the rear of the plane that pilots had to declare an emergency and land in Cincinnati. Even after the overstressed plane was on the ground, the melee continued and airport police made a number of arrests, detaining a third of the passengers from the first class section, nine from coach, and two executives of Trump Enterprises flying standby.

Did You Read All Those Books? Oh...

Homemakers will be pleased to hear the latest do-it-yourself project for decoratively concealing your television set when not in use: Disguise it with books!

A recent issue of Better Homes & Gardens provided the plans for a roll-out television nook that suggested we start with a trip to our local used-book store. "Look for stylish bindings and classic titles," the writer encouraged, "and books that look elegant and well-read. Take them home, cut off the spines, and glue them side-by-side to a plywood sheet." Repeat this until you have several rows of "books," it said, and hinge the wood to the prefabricated frame inside the wall space. When not in use, roll the television into the wall, close the door and voila! Visitors think you are well-read when actually you could have just finished watching Pee Wee Herman! Hah, hah! The joke's on them!

Next Month: Painting your windows with pleasant outdoor scenes.

And Finally...

The latest catalog of offerings from Harper & Row Publishers includes a section on "Religious Traditions of the World Series." We highly recommend these books, especially to the Seattle Mariners baseball team, which, once again, hasn't got a prayer.