Like Jesus, I'm saving a lot of money on gas.
Even al Qaeda can use rebranding.
Becoming a dictator is a great way to get out of homework.
In fact, my knowledge of Brazil is limited to that tall Jesus statue overlooking a city, and the fact people can be naked on the beaches while speaking Portuguese.
Who knew hideous sea creatures had their own club?
My new approach this year is not to promise better behavior or new experiences, but to simply look back at the mistakes of last year and avoid repeating them.
At first, I thought I had the flu because I didn't get a flu shot this year and naturally had to be punished by the medical community.
Tarantulas are not insects. They're arachnids. Really big ones.
Fortunately, 40 is the new 34, or in my case, 38.
Starting in 2013, every pack of cigarettes sold in the U.S. will include graphic images portraying the physical effects of smoking, although looking really cool when you're a teenager won’t be one of them.