H'rumphs

Ed Spivey Jr. 8-10-2015
Hrumphs.jpg
Illustrated by Ken Davis

AS ONE OF the few white males who has not declared his candidacy for president, I’m actually enjoying the relative calm before the upcoming election season. Our television shows are still punctuated by soothingly predictable commercials about luxury cars and erectile dysfunction. In a few months they’ll be railing against job-killing gay marriage and the evils of climate science, also job-killing, followed by the reassuring voice of a man who says “I apologize for this message.” (Kidding. But wouldn’t that be great?!)

At this point, with little at stake, the legions of Republican candidates are of interest only for their entertainment value, their speeches lacking in substance but their repetitive talking points ripe with possibility for drinking games. (Caution: When listening to Ted Cruz, don’t choose the words “constitution” or “unadulterated judicial activism” if you’re the designated driver.)

We’re at that sweet spot in time when Iowa is just a state known for its agricultural products (corn, I think), and when Hillary Clinton has not yet been compared to Hitler. If we think about politics at all, it’s to come up with reasons not to support Bernie Sanders. Because, if you set aside the oddity of a Vermont senator who still sounds like the Flatbush of his youth, there’s only one reason: his age. He’s 73, six years older than Hillary Clinton and decades older than Donald Trump, who is, like, 12, right?

Ed Spivey Jr. 7-10-2015
Google

Illustrated by Ken Davis

IN THE FEW months remaining before our lives are completely taken over by computers, there’s still time to join the Resistance. Or start one, since most of us are unaware of the need to do so. I personally haven’t noticed because I’m waiting for my first heart attack to teach me how precious life is.

You’ve probably missed the warning signs because you’ve been too busy tweeting or friending people on Facebook. These seemingly innocent acts—designed mainly to reduce productivity at the office—are helpfully consolidating personal data for the ever-watchful mainframes to harvest later. And when the computers finally reduce us to a subservient species, unfriending them won’t save you.

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about the federal government’s massive monitoring of our phone calls, an effort that revealed most human conversation is not worthy of the monthly fees charged by Verizon, AT&T, or that new prepaid service called Boost, which I first thought was a nutritional supplement for old people. (The guy behind the counter looked at me funny when I asked what flavors it comes in. And when he tried to explain “pay as you go,” I was confused. With nutritional supplements, you pay, then you go, a little later.)

BUT THE GREATER threat is the increasing pervasiveness of artificial intelligence, probably the worst artificial substance ever created, if you rule out Cool Whip.

Ed Spivey Jr. 6-08-2015

Illustration by Ken Davis

When I get tired of talking to myself I talk to strangers. (Lucky strangers.)

Ed Spivey Jr. 5-06-2015

Illustration by Ken Davis

A Brief History of Time is a great read, especially the one page I understood. 

Ed Spivey Jr. 4-02-2015

...like the Koch brothers, who have really nice bootstraps. 

Ed Spivey Jr. 3-09-2015

Illustration by Ken Davis

Saints (and sinners) around the water cooler. 

Ed Spivey Jr. 2-06-2015

Illustration by Ken Davis

Another great idea from our patriotic defense contractors. 

Ed Spivey Jr. 1-06-2015

Illustration by Ken Davis

From one grim-faced, aging, white guy to another. 

Ed Spivey Jr. 12-09-2014

Illustration by Ken Davis

The Old Farmer's Almanac never lies. (It guesses, but that's not lying.)

Ed Spivey Jr. 11-06-2014

Illustration by Ken Davis

The people have spoken, usually during dinnertime.  

Ed Spivey Jr. 10-10-2014

Illustration by Ken Davis

Where were the bugs? We were supposed to get lots of bugs. 

Ed Spivey Jr. 8-05-2014

Illustration by Ken Davis

America should be like a box of crayons, but with fewer colors.

Ed Spivey Jr. 7-09-2014

Illustration by Ken Davis

"Please report to Window #12. And bring your Bible."

Ed Spivey Jr. 6-04-2014

Illustration by Ken Davis

And they're using it for themselves.

Ed Spivey Jr. 5-12-2014

Illustration by Ken Davis

...although maybe we should have kept a little for ourselves.

Ed Spivey Jr. 4-03-2014

Illustration by Ken Davis

Another test of biblical authority by unscrupulous scientists.

Ed Spivey Jr. 3-05-2014

Illustration by Ken Davis

It's only New Jersey. So fugetaboutit.

Ed Spivey Jr. 2-10-2014

Illustration by Ken Davis

Okay, so maybe not actually die. Just change. And quickly.

Ed Spivey Jr. 1-05-2014

Illustration by Ken Davis

No animals were tested in the study. Just me.

Ed Spivey Jr. 12-12-2013

Ilustration by Ken Davis

Don't make promises you can't keep.

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