Jerry Falwell Jr.: Jesus Christ!

Jesus: I’m going to assume that’s not an expletive.

Falwell: No, that would be Jesus H. Christ, which I would never use.

Jesus: Good. He’s a cousin on my mother’s side, and I’m still ticked at my aunt for that.

Falwell: But you’re HERE! In my own house! It’s the Rapture, the Second Coming! And you’re taking me home to my reward! PRAISE THE LORD! Just let me throw a few things in a suitcase and we’ll ...

Jesus: Relax, and put down your shaving kit. This is not the Second Coming. It’s more like a check-in.

Falwell: It’s not the end times?

Jesus: No [looking at his watch], not even close.

Falwell: But it’s so gratifying you’ve chosen to reveal yourself to me! It confirms that my good works have been recognized and recorded in the Lamb’s Book of Life, where the names of all the righteous are ...

Jesus: Actually, we use Excel now, and if your name is in there, it’s with an asterisk, Mr. Falwell.

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