DEAR SIRS: (I’m totally kidding. I’m sure you have a woman or two in the office—not in leadership, of course, but in important support roles.)
This is to inform you that I, the undersigned, am changing my federal tax status. Beginning with tax year 2018, I will no longer be filing as “Married Filing Jointly” (or, as I’ve always wanted to do, “Married Filing Reluctantly and with an Attitude”). Instead, I’ll be filing as a “Major Corporation,” entitled to all the benefits and considerations therein. I realize this is a dramatic shift, but hear me out.
I have carefully followed the recent tax debate in Congress. (When I say “debate,” I mean “whispered conversations hidden from the public, although not necessarily behind closed doors, because special interests wouldn’t be able to fully contribute to the democratic process.”) In reading the new tax law, it occurred to me that I could better serve my own financial needs—as well as be a more patriotic citizen—if I took advantage of a classification normally reserved for industry. And since corporations are people and I, too, are a people, it seemed like the logical thing to do. (And with this new status, I might even become a major people. Fingers crossed.)
I’m not sure exactly what type of corporation I’ll become, and I hope you’ll fill out the forms for me, since I’m not a detail guy. I wouldn’t want to waste important Netflix time reviewing rules and regulations that Republican members of Congress rightly refer to as “onerous,” “burdensome,” and “bengazi.”
But I’m leaning toward one of those C corporations. I have a certain fondness for the letter “C,” since that was my grade point average in high school. (Alas, my GPA did not improve with the one A I earned, although that singular achievement in typing class still looks good on my résúmé.)