This Election Year, a Change Is Gonna Come. Or Not.

DO PEOPLE MAKE New Year’s resolutions anymore? Is that still a thing? I’m asking because maybe it’s time we stop pretending we’ll lose weight in the coming year, or learn a new language, or defend democracy. Best to admit that lethargy is the only promise we keep to ourselves and settle for the small goals we can achieve. Such as eating with the family without your cell phone. Okay, forget that one. We have to walk before we can run.

My personal goal for the new year is to improve my emoji selection. It’s fun to add those cute little pictures to texts, but when I try to click on “thumbs up” from that tightly packed list of icons, I somehow click on “high heel shoe” instead. I have no problem with women’s footwear, but it’s not a good fit (I wear a 9 narrow) for most of my messages. And it requires lengthy re-texting to clarify it was a mistake and stop trying to read something into it and, no, it’s not a subliminal retro jab at a woman’s right to shoes. I tried switching to the “high-five,” but it’s positioned perilously close to “face of a terrified cat” and “bright red lips,” neither appropriate to my usual texts, which mainly consist of “heading home now” [“thumbs up”] and “Yes, I will pick up milk” [“terrified cat” with “high heel shoe”]. “Oops, sorry” [“barfing smiley face”]. What?!

You’ve probably already mastered emojis and are raising the caliber of your texts with video gifs using actual cats (without high heels), thus proving your maturity as a citizen in modern society. Unlike me, you’re ready to get serious about the coming year. You are positive, you are hopeful, and your glass is half full. (Coasters, please!) You can bravely open your wings toward the future—to make a difference, to take a stand, to take the road less traveled, even though that road has fewer Dunkin’ Donuts.

AND IN THIS long-awaited election year—just crying out for some spot-on political emojis that I can never find (Are they after the cute animals? Nope. Construction icons.)—maybe we can focus on the beauty of the democratic process. Ours is a country where anyone can grow up to be president, regardless of race, gender, or creed (Is creed, like, a religion? Or maybe just different hobbies? Does it have its own emoji?). In this nation we can watch diverse candidates passionately debate each other in the marketplace of ideas, giving the American people a dynamic choice between opposing viewpoints before they finally elect another rich white guy.

Not that I’m against Michael Bloomberg. (Emoji warning: “Monopoly banker guy” is copyrighted. Plus, we shouldn’t make fun of rich people; they’ve suffered enough.) But this billionaire thinks he’s exempt from the retail politics other candidates have been doing for months. If Mayor Pete has to eat pork rinds at Iowa county fairs, why shouldn’t Bloomberg? If Amy Klobuchar has to feign enthusiasm over a nativity scene made entirely of cheese, or pose for a thousand selfies with Americans who, coincidentally, often smell like cheese, why should Bloomberg be exempt? After all, it’s not the cheese that smells, it’s America! [Insert patriotic emoji of smiley face with, disturbingly, American flags for eyes.]

So, get busy, Michael Bloomberg. America needs to hear your plans for health care and infrastructure. But first, you need to eat a corn dog.