We Don't Sing About Bruno

Date: Sunday, May 17, 2122
To: allchurch @gracechurch.metaverse
From: staff @gracechurch.metaverse
Subject: Children singing in church

RECENTLY OUR STAFF has received many questions about why we do not permit children to sing during services. We understand that this is a contentious issue, and we want to do our best to respond to these concerns. Before we begin, it must be made clear that on all matters of doctrine, we look to the sacred All-Church PDF sent out by our founding elders in the year 2022, almost 100 years ago, which clearly defined our church policy.

To begin, let us look at section 4.A of the holy PDF. It states: “Please do not allow your children to sing during the sermon, especially if it’s a shouted rendition of ‘We Don’t Talk About Bruno.’” Given this language from the foundational All-Church PDF, the prescribed ban on singing seems clear (although we’re not quite sure who Bruno was or why people weren’t supposed to talk about him). Some of you have noted that this directive may have been a response to disruptions during services. While it is true that we have found several cellphone videos from 2022 of children standing up to loudly sing in the middle of the Eucharist, there is simply no way to know if section 4.A of the PDF was written in response to that.

Some of you have also asked why we do not permit children to sing, since we do allow children to come to church without wearing masks, which seems to be in clear contradiction to section 3.B of the holy PDF, which states: “Please ensure that all children over the age of 2 wear their masks at all times during services. We recognize the inconvenience, especially for younger children, but this is an essential step in protecting the health of all members of the congregation, especially the most vulnerable.” While it does seem clear that this passage prescribes mask wearing, we must remember that this PDF is rooted in a specific time and context when a deadly virus was ravaging the globe. Things today are obviously different.

Finally, some of you have noted that archeological digs in cyber vaults (which our founders called “the cloud”) reveal messages, which quickly became canonical, that praise the performance of several children who sang in services held in the sanctuary during summer 2022 for something called “Vacation Bible School.” One congregant at the time, on something that was (perhaps facetiously) called “Facebook,” wrote: “We’re so proud of our 6-year-old Liam for his excellent singing of ‘Let It Go’ (and for not singing ‘We Don’t Talk About Bruno’)—he’s obviously ready to join the church choir!” From this, it seems that children were indeed allowed to sing in church, and that apparently children as young as 6 were allowed to join the church choir (although we don’t know what Liam wanted to “let go” nor, again, why his parents didn’t want to talk about Bruno.) But we interpret this to refer to times when only other children and lay volunteers were present, and only for “special” performances of the church choir—never on a Sunday. Given that it is already difficult for clergy to hold the attention of congregants even without the off-key cuteness of warbling children, and given the inspired guidance of the All-Church PDF, we must continue Metaverse’s prohibition against children singing in church.

We hope this sheds light on where we stand as a church. If any of your children have questions about this, we refer you to section 5.G, which says: “If children have any questions, they should really just ask their parents on the car ride home.”

         From the Pastors and Staff,
         The Metaverse Church