In my favorite home video ever, it’s 2020 and my kids are opening their Christmas morning gifts while wearing new ski jackets, even though it was 75 degrees in South Texas, where we live. My son’s 4-year-old hands are still pudgy, and he hasn’t learned to glide his “l” sounds yet, so his raspy morning voice is extra adorable. As he unwraps his gifts, he shouts and cheers and stares at some Power Rangers in adoration.
Then, he looks up at me, all round and full of magic, and says, “I love you, Mommy. Thank you for everything. Thank you for allllllll the presents.”
You can hear my voice catch a little as I say, “I love you too, buddy.”
It’s a video that captures all the magic of Christmas morning, but there’s one element conspicuously absent: Santa Claus.
Our kids have always known that their Christmas morning gifts came from us, not Santa. (Though my daughter did insist that we were wrong from ages 3 to 5.) We felt a little wary of the decision at first, but we’re not alone. More families are beginning to skip out on the guy in the red suit.
Melissa Wear has known since before she was married that she and her husband would not tell their children that Santa Claus — in his one-night, circumnavigational, toy-delivery manifestation — was real. They also chose to skip the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. The Wears chose not to make the childhood trio of traditional characters part of their family’s traditions for several reasons, she said. But the biggest reason was simple: “I want my kids, when I tell them things, to believe me.”
Raising their two daughters in the Christian faith, the Wears knew that they would be telling their children the stories of science-defying miracles and asking them to invest in a relationship with a God they could not see. Santa gives tangible gifts each year. If the gift-giver was later revealed to be fictional, what would they think of a God who doesn’t deliver gift-wrapped goodies and eat milk and cookies?
In the U.S., Christians already conflate God and Santa in our functional theology; we need to be reminded that God is not an all-seeing gift-giver who rewards good behavior. For kids, finding out that Santa is fictional might make continued belief in God a hard sell.
“Because we were raising them in this tradition that has to contend with some big beliefs, we didn’t want them contending with these little, short-term beliefs,” Wear said.
If Santa’s not real, what about God?
As a parent myself, I’m finding this to be an increasingly common sentiment among Christian parents. Some of us grew up hearing belief in God derisively compared to belief in Santa or the Easter Bunny — a childhood fantasy that should be left behind as reason developed. My daughter came home the other day letting me know that someone had made fun of her for believing in God. “What, do you believe in Santa too?” the older tween had said.
Parents who grew up in the evangelical church may remember culture-war concerns that Santa is a replacement for Jesus, a way to “take Christ out of Christmas.” That seems to be less of a concern for parents like Wear. It’s definitely not my first concern.
Rather than a full commitment to the bit or an exile of Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick, many families approach the Santa tradition as something to be thoughtfully discussed. Blogger Alyssa J. Howard advocates treating Santa like any fictional character — not going out of your way to convince kids that he’s real but also embracing the myth for as long as it’s fun.
Make-believing in Santa without believing in Santa
Devi Abraham did not grow up in the United States, nor did her husband. Neither of their families pretended Santa was real, so it wasn’t a difficult choice to simply stick with facts for their own children. Like Wear, she didn’t want them wondering when their parents were pretending or telling the truth. Honesty has been her ironclad policy.
But that doesn’t mean Abraham’s family is fundamentalist or refuses the cultural tradition outright. As they watch Christmas movies about Santa with her kids, Abraham also notes the role that belief and faith play in Santa mythology. In many stories, the childlike belief reveals a factual Santa (and his trappings) to cynical adults or doubting teens.
“Our culture really wants something to believe in,” Abraham said. She wants her kids to be clear about where their belief is safe.
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They also play along with family members who do make-believe in Santa. Their kids are familiar with the tradition and understand its role in culture. Abraham talks with them about the fairly standard logic of Santa: Behave and get good things; misbehave, get fossil fuel in a sock. Living in Australia, where Christmas comes with sweltering summer heat, Abraham said it’s easy to see how much of the desire for connection, wonder, and miracles is actually wrapped up in the cozy aesthetics of a northern hemisphere Christmas.
“The story [of Santa] is not so magical,” Abraham said. “It feels magical because of the aesthetics.”
The Wears have also attempted to embrace the wonder of Christmas without trying to convince their kids to believe in Santa. They participate in Santa-based games at school and sing classic holiday songs while being clear that they are engaging in a make-believe game, something their young daughters do all the time anyway.
“There’s still an awe and wonder there for them with make-believe,” Wear said.
Capitalism and Kris Kringle
For my family, questioning Santa was less about deception and more about eschewing a capitalistic mascot. It’s not that we wanted it to be “all about Jesus” in a culture-war way, it’s that we know that a limitless, jolly gift-giver would be quite a difficult act to compete with for any other tradition. We didn’t feel like “getting everything you want” is the only way to inspire gratitude or awe. As Wear pointed out, the Nativity story, the lighting of Advent candles, and the deep theology of Christian carols are as astonishing as even the most fantastical flying sleigh.
The giving and receiving of gifts, some families have found, is far more meaningful without Santa. Wear said she spends the year noticing her daughters’ interests and picking out the perfect gifts. Their grandparents often give handmade gifts. They also participate in Angel Tree traditions, buying gifts for children whose parents cannot afford the extra expense. Receiving thoughtful gifts, rather than items from a list is a way to cultivate gratitude. Receiving a gift from someone who chose the item out of love is one way that gift giving actually fosters connection.
When my husband and I were deciding how to handle Christmas, consumerism was a larger driver for me. It was one of the first things that challenged my faith — it made me question how much of our faith was being driven by a culture voracious for profit.
Because I am determined to keep things low-key even if we cannot make them fully sacred, we lean heavily on the Advent wreath to mark the season, and let the kids take charge of decorating the house.
When it comes to the gifts, we each do our own shopping, and everyone gets one gift for each other member. When my son thanked me for “allllll the presents,” he meant three (he rightfully deduced my role in helping his sister and dad choose). The gift is connected directly to the person who loves them and chose the gift just for them. Instead of magic, we opted for connection, which is really its own kind of magic.
Bekah McNeel is a freelance journalist living in San Antonio. She reports on the intersection of faith and early childhood for Sojourners.
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