Funerals need to be a little more balanced, with time for rebuttal.
Humor
Ed Spivey Jr. 7-01-2003
It's morning in Iraq, or, depending on your time zone, afternoon. Then again, it could be late at night, and you're wondering where the day went.
Ed Spivey Jr. 3-01-2003
Remember the TV commercial where a man is walking down a dark city street and nervously glances back at two shadowy figures?
Ed Spivey Jr. 1-01-2003
As our nation prepares for war against—depending on the mood of the president—al Qaeda, Iraq, or unnecessarily big words (such as "civil liberties"), it is a sober time in America.
Ed Spivey Jr. 7-01-2002
Some readers have complained that this column has become too personal, too focused on my being a great father, an award-winning art director, and a god-like figure to the rest of the staff. In response to this concern, I have decided to look beyond my personal preoccupations and devote this entire column to commentary on international events, and the surprising way these events remind me of my own life. Such as when Zimbabwe's president Robert Mugabe recently stole the election and then wondered why foreign observers were "making such a big deal about it." Coincidentally, these were the exact words my daughter used when she came in after curfew.
In fairness to Mugabe, he simply wanted to spare his people the trauma Americans suffered after our own disputed presidential election, a time of acrimony and mistrust that turned brother against brother, sister against sister, and first cousin against third cousin twice removed (that one got ugly). Mercifully, Americans have the attention span of one of those squirrels that carefully buries nuts in the yard and then says to himself, seconds later, "Whoa! Somebody buried some nuts here! Well, too bad for them, 'cause it's finders keepers!" So Americans pretty much forgot about that election, unless they weren't Republicans from Florida.
But in Mugabe's case, he simply cancelled the recount, declared himself the winner, and jailed his opponent for treason. Had our own George W. Bush done the same thing, it might have spared Al W. Gore the sad spectacle of having to disguise himself with a beard before going into hiding.
Ed Spivey Jr. 7-01-2002
When Sojourners' CultureWatch editor asked me to write about my "favorite things," I gave a quick "Sure!" It's not often that I get to talk about McDonalds' new "Tangy Cajun Chicken Parts" and that delightful way the flavor seems to stick to the roof of your mouth, even though you'd rather it didn't.
But the editor pointed out that, no, she was more interested in the cultural aspects of my life, the books I'm reading, the films I've seen, what particular collections of poetry I walk past in the bookstore as I hurry to the magazine section that contains lots of easy-to-read photographs. So, culturally speaking, here are some of the more literary aspects of my life, printed in bold face, so if you just skim through it looks like I'm really smart:
Theological Ethics, Helmut Thielicke's brilliant three-volume series on the implied dialectic of freedom and bondage, occupies by far the largest amount of space on my bookshelf. Which is why I moved it the other day when I dropped my slinky. I occasionally use this device to entertain the pets—since my family has developed a keen lack of appreciation for my skills—and I was shocked to distraction by the sight of our rabbit attempting to "be romantic" with one of the cats. That's when I lost control of the slinky and it dropped onto the bookshelf behind several other books that I have never read but which also look good in boldface, including New Testament Greek for Dummies, John Calvin: Years of Laughter, and A Bunch of My Wife's College Textbooks.
The books I have read reflect a broad range of interests. So I won't mention that the last three are all by Tom Clancy, a frothing-at-the-mouth militaristic simpleton who should be ashamed for writing such great stories. His view of our nation's role in history is the exact opposite of Sojourners' worldview, which, while consistently taking the moral high ground, has never once produced a great action novel. (Yes, Sojourners' perspective on globalization is important, but would it be that hard to throw in a little air-to-air combat?)
Ed Spivey Jr. 1-01-2002
Those of you in the hinterlands—when you’re not taking care of your hinter—are probably wondering what life is like now in Washington, D.C., the nation’s capital...
Ed Spivey Jr. 9-01-2001
It's not a matter of who's wrong or right, unless Santa somehow gets involved.
Ed Spivey Jr. 5-01-2001
It's no surprise that humans are smarter than roundworms. Well, most humans, anyway.
Ed Spivey Jr. 3-01-2001
I was either having a major cardiac event or was standing in a pool of water being repeatedly struck by lightning.
Ed Spivey Jr. 11-01-2000
Because our oldest daughter absolutely refuses to join the Merchant Marines after high school, she made me drive through New England this summer looking at prospective colleges.
Ed Spivey Jr. 7-01-2000
In just a few short months you'll wake up on a crisp Tuesday after the first Monday in November and do your part to dramatically affect the course of history.
Ed Spivey Jr. 5-01-2000
There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to begin a sentence with a really bad cliche. This is one of those times. You see, words are not coming easy to me these days. And when I do speak, I seem to be talking in gibberish, running my words together in a strange new dialect:
"YOU’REGOINGTOOFAST!" I’ll say, seemingly at random. Or I’ll blurt out "STAYINYOUROWNLANE!!"
Or even, "WATCHTHECURB!"
And I’m talking louder than I used to, as if I were trying to alert someone far away. An ambulance, perhaps.
It’s just a coincidence, of course, that this only happens when I’m in a car being driven by my 16-year-old. While technically still a child, she has earned the right to drive our 2,500-pound minivan because she passed the District of Columbia’s grueling written test, a test specifically designed to weed out incompetent drivers through the use of such demanding questions as:
- What is your name?
- What is your address?
- Do you have $14?