AFTER THE SOUTHERN Baptist Convention announced that women cannot be pastors, Sunday mornings have taken a new form across the nation. People are seeing the potential of an uninterrupted two-day weekend for the first time and relishing the freedom.
In clarifying its stand on women in leadership — that Baptists won’t stand for it — the SBC suddenly confirmed what groggy teenagers have been telling their parents for generations — namely, that sleeping in might be a better idea than attending a church where females are only needed for child care and potlucks.
In fairness, when the SBC committee — composed almost entirely of men — made the recommendation, it was mainly to free up parking. The SBC is the largest Protestant denomination in the country (high five!), and what better way to open more spaces than by telling half of humanity they’re not appreciated?
The aim was also part of a faithful understanding of the Bible’s central tenet: that men are superior to women, because men are stronger and don’t get their periods. The SBC tried to soften the blow by reiterating that women have important roles in the home, such as training their children in the ways of the faith and putting them to bed before Daddy comes home on poker night smelling of alcohol.
But the Bible is very clear on the role of women: Wives obey your husbands, end of sentence. Well, actually it went on with some nonbinding references to husbands honoring their wives, but mainly on birthdays and anniversaries. (Or there will be hell to pay — amirite guys?!)
This latest announcement is another step in the Southern Baptists’ update of the Great Commission to something more palatable, called the Great Omission. This preaches everything in the Bible except what Jesus said. Because, let’s face it, most of his teachings are way too woke, especially in Florida, where the Sermon on the Mount is instructive only by suggesting that citizens should move to higher ground, on account of the rising ocean, which of course for Southern Baptists isn’t happening.
I speak of these things as one who was raised Southern Baptist in the 1960s, although my memory is a little foggy about what the preachers warned us against. I think it had something to do with pantsuits.
I can also speak with authority because of my superior intelligence simply due to being a man. In addition, because I am a white man, I can confidently carry on the legacy of all the white men in the Bible, even though they were from the Middle East and probably were dark-skinned. (But Jesus was definitely a white guy — Vacation Bible School posters don’t lie.)
More important, I am that most exalted of all men: the Old White Guy. I may be long of tooth and forehead, but I am steeped in the wisdom revealed in God’s living ambassadors for our time. Whether it’s the two front-runners for the next presidential election or the Iowa senator elected to his eighth six-year term at the age of 89, God has revealed his — yes, I said “his” — handiwork in the powerful examples of men at the peak of their lives.
We may be forgetful at our age, but ...
UNFORTUNATELY, since he didn’t make it out of his 30s, Jesus never achieved the successes that come from old age. Had he lived a few more decades, he probably would have altered some of his more strident teachings, such as loving your neighbor. I mean, who does that?
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