Friendship

Six days before Passover Jesus came to Bethany, where Lazarus was, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. They gave a dinner for him there, and Martha served, while Lazarus was one of those reclining at table with him. Mary took a liter of costly perfumed oil made from genuine aromatic nard and anointed the feet of Jesus and dried them with her hair; the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil. - John 12:1-3

When he was in Bethany reclining at table in the house of Simon the leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of perfumed oil, costly genuine spikenard. She broke the alabaster jar and poured it on his head.
There were some who were indignant. "Why has there been this waste of perfumed oil? It could have been sold for more than 300 days' wages and the money given to the poor." They were infuriated with her.
Jesus said, "Let her alone. Why do you make trouble for her? She has done a good thing for me. The poor you will always have with you, and whenever you wish you can do good to them, but you will not always have me. She has done what she could. She has anticipated anointing my body for burial. Amen, I say to you, wherever the gospel is proclaimed to the whole world, what she has done will be told in memory of her." - Mark 14:3-9

Thomas of Celano tells a story about Francis' availability for and generosity in friendship. It illustrates the importance and gratuitousness of true friendship. Brother Riccerio imagines himself unworthy of Francis' love but discovers not only that he is already loved deeply by the Poverello, but also that such love is neither reward nor recompense but rather pure gift.

On another occasion, at Clare's insistence and after much consideration, Francis agreed that they should share a meal. This example of friends drinking deeply of the joy of intimacy stretches our thinking about the impact of such love:

St. Francis had the table laid upon the naked earth as was his custom. And when meal time came, St. Francis and St. Clare sat down together, and one of the brothers with the companion of St. Clare, and next all the other brothers, and they humbly took their places at the table.

And with the first dish St. Francis began to talk of God so lovingly, with such depth, so wonderfully, that the divine fullness of love descended upon him, and all were enraptured in God. And while they were thus transported with eyes and hands lifted toward heaven, the people of Assisi and Bettona and in the neighboring towns saw that Santa Maria deli Angeli and the whole convent and woods, which then were at the side of the convent, seemed to be in a great blaze.

Perhaps we can only discover the significance of intimate relationships in the lives of Jesus and Francis by intuition and implication from a few concrete details, from legends that so often reveal the soul of reality, and from our growing comprehension of the thoroughly grounded, deeply rooted humanity of each.

Jesus and Intimacy

We begin our reflections of Jesus' experience of intimacy with what might be a historical stretch. Biblical scholars are not likely to verify a claim to intimacy between Jesus and his cousin John. In fact, the New Testament portrays more vividly other relationships in Jesus' life, yet the fact that their mothers' lives were really or symbolically intertwined and that encounters between Jesus and John the Baptizer were mutually transforming suggest that elements of the interaction between them could illustrate the gift of transforming friendship.

There is an event at the outset of Jesus' public life when he and the Baptizer share an enormously powerful moment of intimacy. Jesus is passing along the banks of the Jordan River where John is baptizing and the latter points to him, saying: "Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world" (John 1:29). Given the characters of these two men, their histories, and the vocations given by God to each, this moment has special significance for Jesus.

Other biblical stories offer even more direct suggestions about the role of friendship in Jesus' life. Among the most important are the accounts of Jesus' visits to Bethany, a village on the other side of the Mount of Olives. Recall for a moment Jesus' visit there in the home of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42), Jesus' "safe house" where he went to enjoy deep friendship; to explore with his friends the profound implications of his message; to rest and be renewed--encouraged--to continue his own prophetic mission; and to invite, to challenge them to walk with him on the journey.

Mary's "better part," that of total absorption in the balm of deep friendship, may amuse (even irk) those of us who find ourselves so often setting the stage of life, preparing the meals, cleaning, and creating the possibility for life to move on gracefully. But Jesus' invitation to Martha to share in the delicious fruits of friendship gives clear indication of the pleasure and fulfillment he experienced from it.

Brazilian feminist theologian Maria Clara Bingemer, reflecting on John's story of Jesus' anointing at Bethany (12:1-3), describes the effusive and permeating aroma of perfumed oils as Mary pours them over Jesus' feet. Her bold intrusion, her interruption of the way things were already arranged in terms of table and fellowship, gives powerful and concrete witness to the penetrating presence of women in Jesus' life.

One can imagine the gift that such deeply intimate encounters were in the life of the one who was soon to face the cross. At Bethany Jesus surely received encouragement and deepened his own resolve to move forward toward the final confrontation with religious and civil authority and finally to his death on the cross.

Over the objections of some who witnessed the loving action of anointing with expensive oils, Jesus defended the woman, saying that the "poor you will always have with you," a passage so often misunderstood as an excuse for avoiding actions of solidarity and the struggle for justice. However, the mission of Jesus and his followers had by that time been clearly articulated; the divine option for the poor had been proclaimed.

Perhaps Jesus was suggesting that the Reign of God must include, but is more than, the struggle for social justice--it is seen as well in moments of merciful intimacy. In fact, without the gift of intimacy, the work for social transformation can become an arid and dehumanizing exercise. The Reign of God is built within oneself, between oneself and others, and in the social structures as well. In this conversation Jesus gave particular focus to the intimate dimensions of the New Creation task.

At the same time, Jesus' capacity for enabling friendship was glue for the ones who followed him through tremendous stress for three years. His openness to love was part of his charisma, and the strength of the love he received in return helped him confront the weakness of the religious leadership of the day.

Francis and Intimacy

So it was with Francis. Surely his mother, Pia, then Clare and Jacoba, Brothers Leo, Bernard, and Juniper, and many others nurtured in him the sensitivity for which he is noted. So many times we read of this most disciplined and austere person breaking his fast and setting the table himself when a brother seemed at the point of utter exhaustion from want of food. The Franciscan brotherhood was clearly a community of gentleness and love.

Clare's strength of character helped greatly to shape the community of women and men who had gathered around the Poverello. She expected from Francis respect and mutuality, and he offered her both. She gave him great love and he loved her deeply in return. The legend of the flowers that bloomed in the snow when Francis suggested that he and Clare should see each other again only when winter was over and the roses returned symbolizes the depth and strength of their love for each other.

The story of the meal shared by Francis and Clare is also fascinating, and highly symbolic. According to the biographer Jorgensen, the shared meal was Clare's idea; she insisted that they should have the opportunity to be immersed in the pleasure of each other's company and friendship.

This insistence was not a weakness, but a bold response to her own instinctive understanding of the importance of intimate moments between good friends, of the fact that the very presence of the beloved is a tremendous gift reflective of the presence of God, and of the need for such moments for nourishment of the spirit.

The meal was shared with others as well. This is a requirement for life-giving relationships: to love with open hands in such a manner as to embrace the world, especially the world of the marginal ones so essential to the Franciscan way. And the bread they broke bore the fruit of communion with the Holy One--fiery fulfillment of the deep, respectful, faithful touching of souls that can happen in human relationships.

Intimacy As a Source of Renewal and Joy

Anyone who has loved deeply knows how miraculously the heaviness of life can be lifted in an encounter with the beloved. The unsurmountable gift of lightness and joy is poured forth in great abundance in the context of love.

Jesus' plea to his apostles the night of his arrest that they watch one hour with him suggests his deep need for human companionship. His hour has come and he will definitely drink of the chalice poured out for him. But his soul cries out for friendship and understanding in that very situation.

Jesus' retreats to Bethany suggest that they renewed him. Francis and Clare sought each other's companionship when the burdens of life became unbearable. Francis returned to San Damiano to be near Clare and her community when he was desperately ill. It was in those dark moments when he was in terrible pain, yet bathed in the light of their friendship, that he was inspired to write the Canticle of Creation, a remarkable testament to a profound renewal of his spirit.

Particularity in Friendship

Twisted interpretations of appropriate intimacy abound in our world today. At times it seems that we are expected to expose the most intimate realities of life to public view--that everyone is called to be completely intimate with everyone else. Consider the topics addressed on popular TV talk shows. Though we may not be comfortable with such exposure, we often err in the other direction, seeming reticent or afraid of genuinely intimate special relationships.

Spiritual writers, who for years have cautioned against "particular" friendship (especially in Catholic religious orders) outside of marriage, have misunderstood this dimension of love. In the lives of both Jesus and Francis, we find the capacity for special relationships revealed.

We can love all people only in the measure that we love particular persons well, and this Francis did. He obviously loved Clare intensely and she returned his love; theirs is one of the many great love stories among Christian saints.

That Francis also loved his brothers in varying degrees only underscores the special nature of each relationship. Particularity is a hallmark of love that is neither dangerous nor inappropriate, but which enhances the lovers' capacity to embrace the rest of the world.

Intimacy As a Source of Courage

Jesus' encounter with his cousin at Jordan's banks marked his pathway for the rest of his life. Even had Jesus through human frailty wavered in his vocation as the Lamb of God, John's example and dedication would have strengthened him.

Jesus' anointing at Bethany took place shortly before his confrontation with religious and civil authorities brought him face to face with death. His renewal at Bethany encouraged him to take the next step toward Jerusalem.

As men and women began to gather around Francis in love and friendship, he must have found in them a new source of inspiration for his dream. Now he would not walk alone; he would be gifted with these friends who shared the vision of radical gospel living. The young Francis was encouraged by Bernard and the others to ask the Roman ecclesial authorities to approve their way of life.

Francis' friendship with Clare deepened and nourished the vision of the beloved community, with all of its prophetic dimensions, of which they were both a part. They turned to each other when the road became unbearably difficult and found in their love the possibility of taking another step.

True friendship and deep love embolden the beloved to renewed fidelity to the gospel expressed in the concrete actions and choices of life. It thrusts us toward the world, a world so often in excruciating pain. At the same time it nourishes our capacity to move through the suffering and to believe in the possibility of transformation. Intimacy is the place where grief is made bearable and where we find the strength even to face death.

Intimacy As a Source of Revolutionary Accompaniment

Jesus' friends not only sent him forth with renewed courage to Jerusalem; they also, especially the women, went with him to Calvary and beyond. So many of those men and women who followed Jesus paid dearly for their friendship with him and for the discipleship journey upon which they embarked at his invitation. First John, then Stephen, Peter, and so many others returned Jesus' great love by loving him very well--even unto death.

Such a friend for Francis was Illuminato, the friar who, according to Bonaventure, went with Francis to confront and challenge the Sultan. Francis surely chose him carefully and because of a deep bond of trust between them. They would spend some two years together in the riskiest circumstances, facing the possibility of death.

Clare's fidelity to the gospel must have been a great challenge to Francis; together they walked toward the margins to accompany those with no choice but to dwell there. She lived the vows in the most radical sense, totally dependent on the charity of others, precluded even from begging because of the women's cloistered life. She embraced fully with Francis the poverty of those who suffered in the society of their day. Their love for each other required of them the risks of a revolutionary journey.

Life-giving intimacy thrusts us toward action for social change--toward families, communities, societies, and a world constructed to enable the inbreaking of the Reign of God. The experience of love fills us with a desire for the good.

Friendship As a Place of Accountability

From prison, John the Baptizer sent disciples to ask Jesus whether he is the one who is to come or whether they are to look for another: A curious question from the friend who has already pointed to Jesus as the Lamb of God. Scholars have interpreted it in many ways.

Could John's question have been a challenge to us? From the desperate situation of a prison dungeon the precursor wants a sign that his perception of Jesus has been correct. "Are we to look for another?" Was I foolish in pointing to you? Give an account of yourself. And Jesus does not disappoint, much less ignore his friend's plea.

The deep love between Francis and Clare, like the friendship between Jesus and John, evoked mutual accountability to vocation and commitment. Clare left her family to follow the Poverello, and her radical interpretation of religious life must have challenged the brotherhood, even Francis himself, in return.

Our deepest friendships offer us the possibility of confronting in ourselves the inclinations to stray from the journey toward New Creation by catching a glimpse of the powers and principalities operative in our own lives. Truly loving and respectful confrontation toward genuine accountability in Christian discipleship is most possible in the safe place of intimate relationships. And intimate friendships cannot remain life-giving for long if mutual attentiveness to the demands of fidelity to the gospel is not woven into the fabric of loving interaction.

Intimate Friendship: A Place to Meet God

The more deeply we experience intimacy with another person, the more likely we are to be open to the love of God. Jesus and the Magdalene, Francis and Clare did this. We simply have to put aside all of the fears and second thoughts that the offer of intimacy brings.

Despite the acknowledged risks that relationships carry with them, they are from God. They have been entered into by the Clares and Francises of history, and they are the one surest safeguard from the sterile individualism that so afflicts modern society.

There are important links between intimacy and spirituality, between life in God and life in another. Life in God, for example, requires an other-centeredness not unlike selfless friendship. Life in God requires that we move our centers of gravity outside of ourselves to dance the dance of life with all peoples and all of creation: Intimate friendship calls us to dance that dance with the other as well.

Life in God requires that we risk all in the cosmic effort to live justly. Intimacy requires that we risk as well--in the miraculous discovery of mutually respectful, life-giving, and just relationships.

This excerpt is from St. Francis and the Foolishness of God, by Marie Dennis, Cynthia Moe-Lobeda, Joseph Nangle, O.F.M., and Stuart Taylor (copyright © 1993, by Orbis Books, Maryknoll, New York). Marie Dennis was associate for Latin America in the Maryknoll Justice and Peace Office, national chair of Pax Christi USA, and a member of Assisi Community in Washington, D.C. when this article appeared. Cynthia Moe-Lobeda was director of the Washington, D.C. office of the Center for Global Education. Joe Nangle, OFM was Sojourners' Outreach Director and a member of Assisi Community in Washington, D.C. Stuart Taylor was pastor of St. Mark's Presbyterian Church in Tuscon, Arizona.

Invitation to Respond

Choose one important and intimate relationship with which you have been blessed in your life and answer the following questions as you reflect upon it:

• How have I been challenged to personal growth by this relationship?
• Has this relationship pushed me out toward a suffering world or pulled me into private space?
• How did we challenge each other to be more faithful to the gospel, especially to the social dimension of the gospel?
• In what ways did I meet God through this relationship?

  From chapter four of St. Francis and the Foolishness of God.