WHY SO GLUM, America? It’s almost your birthday, and a big one, too! How often does a country turn 250 years old!? (Well, actually, just once. A bunch of other countries have done it already.)
And by “America,” I mean the United States, because technically America can refer to several countries which, sadly, won’t be invited to our celebrations. Nope. We’re celebrating 250 years of America, the red, white, and blue! The one with amber waves of grains and purple mountains magistrate, and above the fruity plain. The America that Christopher Columbus discovered! (Or was that the Bahamas?)
Like other democracies in the developed world, ours came about through a forceful rejection of monarchy—a revolt against a distant king who ruled like an absentee landlord, but before toilets were invented, which he wouldn’t have unclogged anyway. The American Revolution was the starting point of our great nation and still a great source of pride because, to other nations of the world, we’re still revolting.
But it’s easy to understand why Americans might not feel like celebrating. The headlines are pretty bad these days, and it takes grit and a steely determination to scroll past them to get to Wordle. On the other hand, if the Founding Fathers came back today, they’d be pleased to see that wealthy white guys still run our nation. (“That’s the way it should be,” Ben Franklin might say, “but where are the flying cars? I thought there’d be flying cars by now.”)
In fairness to those great men, if there are problems with our democracy, it’s not their fault. The Founders took great care in writing our Constitution, and against all obstacles—including eyes burning from wig powder and an itchy rash from not wearing breathable polyester—they were VERY SPECIFIC in their instructions. They did not anticipate, for example, that “a well-regulated militia” would one day be interpreted as “free parking at the gun show.”
If the Founding Fathers came back today, they’d be pleased to see that wealthy white guys still run our nation.
America has always been a grand experiment, but let’s be honest, maybe that experiment is over. Where once we were the undisputed leader of the world, now we’re the laughingstock, which under other circumstances, say at a comedy club or at a funeral lacking in pep, you might want. Now the world looks at us with fear and sadness while an entire political party deliberately prevents our still-young nation from reaching its full potential. Voter suppression is the Republican Party’s weapon of choice but, to give them credit, they are taking a balanced approach: They are against absentee ballots, but big fans of absent voters.
Maybe the American dream really was just a dream, a dream where we progressed incrementally, sometimes painfully, to form a more perfect union. But now we’re waking up and experiencing that most tragic symbol of unmet hopes: the sad-faced emoji.
On the bright side, 250 is a nice round number. At least there’s that. And we’ve accomplished a lot in those years (anesthesia, moon landings, Cool Whip). Even if democracy won’t last for another 250 years—or maybe past November—at least we’ve kept off the yoke of English tyranny for more than two centuries. So what if some of us are having second thoughts?
It’s doubtful England would take us back after all this time (we’d have to replace that tea). If they did, our government could run under the watchful eye of a wise and benevolent king. It looks like we have the king already (just ask him), but we might have to wait a generation for the wise and benevolent part.
So, how does “All hail Donald Jr.” sound?
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