Humor

Jon Stewart on 'the Poors': Fridges & Microwaves & TVs, Oh My!

Did you know 98 percent of poor households in the U.S. (those with an income of about $22,000 or less for a family of four) own a STOVE or OVEN? Or that 84 percent of poor households have AIR CONDITIONING?

Shocking! An outrage!

At least that's what some of our colleagues in the media appear to believe, as Jon Stewart documents in the following "Daily Show" report:

Does the Emphysema Come in Menthol?

Starting in 2013, every pack of cigarettes sold in the U.S. will include graphic images portraying the physical effects of smoking, although looking really cool when you're a teenager won’t be one of them. I’ll probably get a first glimpse when I step outside the office for my daily dose of second-hand smoke, thoughtfully provided by the one remaining addict who has so far resisted my intense campaign against the practice.

There used to be a group of smokers at the front entrance, working collaboratively to induct nonsmokers into their demographic of future emphysema sufferers. But after months of merciless debasement from me -- including once spraying air freshener into their midst -- they changed their self-destructive habits and are now living happy, smoke-free lives. Or they just moved around the corner. All but the one holdout, a stone-faced man of the muscular persuasion who, between mumbling to himself in a deep baritone and glancing around threateningly, seems more likely to crush me like a Marlboro hard pack than discuss his impact on the nation's health-care system.

I wonder if his attitude will change when he buys his first pack of cigarettes with the picture of a dead man on a morgue table, his bare chest crudely stitched up from neck to waist. He was presumably the victim of a lifetime of smoking, not to mention a hasty autopsy. (Either that, or somewhere there's a Home Depot manager trying to forget a chain-saw demonstration that could have gone better.)

The new labels will include close-up images of rotting teeth, unsightly cancer lesions, and decayed internal organs, as well as pictures of a woman dying of cancer, a guy smoking through a hole in his neck, and Michele Bachmann taking the oath of office. Okay, I made up the last one, although that would definitely make me stop smoking. And start drinking.

Read the Full Article

​You've reached the end of our free magazine preview. For full digital access to Sojourners articles for as little as $2.95, please subscribe now. Your subscription allows us to pay authors fairly for their terrific work!
Subscribe Now!

'Now that I've found you ...'

So now we know why over the past few years our Internet service would sometimes slow to a crawl: Osama bin Laden was tying up the circuits Googling himself. Repeatedly. We found this out from watching videos that one of his three wives apparently took of him sitting in a comfy chair, wrapped in an afghan (or would we call it a pakistan?), drinking a Coke, and generally chilling out in front of a computer screen.

(Quick! What's the difference between Newt Gingrich and Osama bin Laden? Answer: Newt had his three wives one at a time. Hahaha. I kid.)

Personal videotapes were just some of the items found in bin Laden's home after U.S. Navy SEALs attempted to deliver a covered dish and some flowers celebrating their long-delayed reunion. The U.S. military also wanted to drop off several bags of returned mail -- for some reason bin Laden had left no forwarding address during his frequent moves -- as well as a wedding gift, which was a little a awkward since it was at least one wedding behind.

But you know how it is when old friends are reunited, particularly in a region where celebrations traditionally include firing weapons wildly into the air: Someone makes a culturally insensitive joke, somebody accidentally knocks off a visitor's night-vision goggles, and then somebody goes home mad. Or gets buried at sea. Whatever.

But the good news: In reuniting with the world's most wanted criminal mastermind -- sorry, alleged criminal mastermind -- a lot of interesting items were discovered during the clean up. As someone who makes a point of helping tidy up during parties, I appreciate the thoroughness with which the Navy SEALs did their part to straighten up things afterwards, to the extent of even taking some of the mess home with them. Now that's being a good neighbor.

Read the Full Article

​You've reached the end of our free magazine preview. For full digital access to Sojourners articles for as little as $2.95, please subscribe now. Your subscription allows us to pay authors fairly for their terrific work!
Subscribe Now!

Pages

Subscribe