A Long and Winding Road (to the Voting Booth)

THIS ISSUE OF Sojourners comes out close to the general midterm elections, something I will refer to eventually after I complain about the maddening limitations of print magazine deadlines. We write months ahead of time, meaning our commentary could end up woefully out of touch. We’re not even sure about using noncommittal phrases like “there will be an election” or “Americans will again celebrate the freedom to exercise their constitutional rights, assuming they are still worthy.”

Because it’s August, and I have other things on my mind, such as learning how to spell cyclospora, a lettuce-borne infection that completely changed my relationship with Taco Bell. (Maybe it wasn’t Taco Bell after all, but please, oh please, don’t let it be Chipotle!) The haze from distant Canadian forest fires has finally dissipated at my house, proving that the president’s tariffs convinced our northern neighbor to take back their smoke. And, not to complain, but because of the war in Iran I can no longer take a shortcut through the Strait of Hormuz, making my drive to Whole Foods twice as long!

I can only guess what the situation in the Middle East will be when this magazine reaches readers. But in the meantime, I’ve decided to support our troops by donating my testosterone. It’s a substance—like ammunition—that Pete Hegseth feels is in short supply. I don’t know how they’ll extract it exactly, but I’ve heard that afterward they give you a cookie. (The Pentagon is apparently also low on toilet paper, but I’m not giving up my quilted two-ply for anybody.)

I have other things on my mind, such as learning how to spell cyclospora

AND SPEAKING OF wars of unspecified length, I just saw The Odyssey, a film based on a book I couldn’t finish in high school because it was too long. Turns out, if I’d just applied myself—a suggestion that came up frequently during parent-teacher conferences—I probably could have read it in less time than I spent in the theater. Odysseus’ journey lasted 20 years, so I figure he took many bathroom breaks. I took three. (Sadly, each time I returned the hero hadn’t made much progress. He was delayed by a cyclops angry about losing his one contact lens, but probably no more than I was slowed by the smell of popcorn in the lobby and the knowledge that there were M&M’s just sitting there, uneaten, behind the counter!)

BACK TO THIS election thing (you thought I forgot). Barring any unforeseen circumstances—and by that, I mean totally foreseen and feared circumstances—voting will happen on schedule Tuesday, Nov. 3, as long as ICE agents protecting the polls get cooperation from the public. Voters will need to show proof of citizenship, birth certificate, and their old Blockbuster card. (It has to be in a drawer somewhere.) And don’t worry about the National Guard at polling places. They’re just there to provide valet parking for those who drive, since in-person voting is strongly suggested. Unfortunately, ballots received by mail might not be counted on time, because you know how hard it is to open envelopes without getting a paper cut. You have to go slow. These precautions are being made because of voter discrepancies in the last election, problems so rampant you can count them all on one hand!

Of course, this assumes an unrelated national crisis won’t happen, such as the AI stock bubble bursting and getting robot juice all over the floor. The White House might call off elections altogether. There is also a possibility, we’ve just been told, that voting causes autism, but we’re still waiting for lab results from China.

With all these threats, it might be better to just stay home on Election Day. After all, according to the president, the lines will be much shorter on Wednesday.