CONGRATULATIONS to Chinese leader Xi Jinping, who just ordered new business cards. The ink was standard black, on white card stock, but it was the “president-for-life” after his name that made it special.
We wish Xi Jinping well in his future years of unquestioned authority, and expect he’ll soon be known simply as Xi, a name that will become synonymous with unlimited power, fearsome brutality, and a Facebook page that boasts 1.3 billion friends. (Note to Chinese citizens who think they might not friend him: Think again. Facebook has gone to a lot of trouble to make your personal information available to undemocratic regimes, and you can’t fight progress.)
Single-word names have long been associated with unwavering strength and power. China’s last president-for-life went by the name of Mao; Hannibal was one of the greatest generals in history; and Beyoncé makes you cancel singing lessons, because why bother? (Cancel those dance lessons, too.) But one-word names don’t always convey awesome power. People still tremble at the name of Genghis Khan. But Genghis? Not so much.
BEFORE THE Chinese president gets too full of himself, however, I’d like to point out that Xi looks like a Roman numeral with a typo, or a new Tesla model (which will be delayed another six months), or the latest version of Microsoft Office after all the bugs were fixed. (So embarrassing.)
And while I’m popping Xi’s balloon of unfetteredness, let me remind him of the ultimate weapon against dictators who mistakenly believe their rule will go unchallenged. Despite their attempts at complete control of society—by monitoring communications, jailing opponents, controlling the media, and, in Xi’s case, looking disturbingly like a former newspaper editor I’d rather forget—dictators always overlook the most damaging weapon of all: humor.
Specifically, my humor, which I have wielded mercilessly over the past decades. In column after column for this magazine, I have taken on the world’s despots, skewering them with my caustic wit and bringing them to their knees. And to grateful citizens of their countries, I can only say: You’re welcome.
Dismantling maniacal regimes with mere words takes time, of course. Autocrats don’t give up at my first satirical mention of them, nor do they care that in doing so I have won numerous awards from press associations they’ve never heard of. (My 2003 Fourth Place in Christian Humor certificate shines like a beacon of accomplishment from its place of honor on our refrigerator door, despite being partly obscured by a shopping list, an expired coupon for soy milk, and an old “Family Circus” cartoon.)
But eventually, those tyrants collapsed in defeat, mere asterisks of history. Or, if you prefer, little frowny faces of history. The list is long:
- Idi Amin ruled Uganda with an iron fist until I made fun of him. And what’s he doing now? Out of power, disgraced, and possibly dead. (I should check that.)
- Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe, who ruled for two generations, left office a defeated man a few months ago, having barely clung to power for 40 years after a column I wrote.
- And China briefly moved to a more democratic form of government after I posthumously made fun of Mao’s skills at ping pong. (Although, I hear Xi is winning most of his games by default.)
NOR HAVE U.S. presidents escaped the lash of my wit. For several, I was the spark that set in motion the wheels of their demise. (And with that exquisite use of metaphor, who can be surprised?) For proof of my power, I need only point out that none of those presidents is still in office.
George W. Bush took the brunt of my satire, of course, and he has gone into virtual seclusion, reduced to clearing brush on his ranch and painting pictures of, among other subjects, poodles. I have seen some of these paintings. And I regret that.
Hillary Clinton didn’t even make it through the election after ... okay, never mind. (Still too soon?) But with Donald Trump, well, it’s only a matter of time. Specifically, when it’s “Mueller Time.”
Likewise, Vladimir Putin should be prepared for years of satirical abuse. I plan to be relentless with my comedic barbs, and start just as soon as I move to an undisclosed location with the federal witness protection program.
They taste your food first, right?
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