Book Groups For Dummies

AS AN occasional participant in a book group, I’m happy to report that the wine at the last one was pretty good. Also the fellowship, the spirited conversation, and, finally, before we ran out of time, discussion about the book, which consisted mainly of how most of us didn’t finish it, or start it. In my case, however, I couldn’t put it down.

It was The Lost City of Z, a recounting of an intrepid explorer’s frightening ordeals in the unforgiving jungles of the Amazon, which ultimately ended when he succumbed to cannibalism. It was a chilling read, one that convinced me to confine my travels exclusively to the continental United States. Because if there’s anything that ruins a good walk, it’s being eaten by your own species. According to the book, at the turn of the last century certain tribes in remote South America believed they could spiritually cleanse themselves by devouring their enemies. (Fortunately, that practice has died out, except for in a few red states during primary season.)

I read every word of that book, usually with the covers pulled tightly around me and all the lights on, while making sure that I didn’t appear delicious to anyone in the vicinity.

I ALSO READ every word of my next book, A Brief History of Time. In fact, I read every word twice. I’d read a paragraph, then I’d think real hard, trying to comprehend that at the beginning of time the universe was infinitely dense and infinitely small. I’d fail, of course, then I’d read it again, struggling to pay attention. I’d read a paragraph, and then wonder if we had enough milk in the house. I’d read some more, then wonder if Alicia in The Good Wife ever divorces her husband. I’m only on season two and ... DON’T TELL ME!

But I couldn’t fully grasp this book because, to quote Republican lawmakers, I’m no scientist. And watching every Star Trek movie (and then watching them again) doesn’t make you one.

Written by theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking (who is more than theoretical, I think—more like an actual physicist—since I’ve seen him on television), A Brief History of Time was a bestseller because millions of people wanted to have it on their coffee tables when friends came over. (It’s important to bend it back and forth a bit to make it look understood.) But as an instructive scientific text, it’s a closed book to me, even when I bent it back and forth. I even tried reading it out loud with an English accent, the original accent in which the book was written, to no avail.

But to my credit, I did come away with a couple of important scientific concepts:

• According to Hawking, time travel is theoretically possible, but only to the future. You can’t travel to the past and buy Apple at $6 a share or invent Pringles. But venturing into the future requires moving faster than the speed of light, which means your cell phone won’t work. And trust me, as the mass of your body increases to galactic size, checking Twitter might be the last thing on your mind. (And you’ll wish you’d cut back on the Pringles.)
• Starting with the Big Bang, the universe has been expanding, but it will one day run out of energy and contract, ultimately reverting to what Hawking calls the Big Crunch. But that is trillions of years away, plenty of time to pack. (Travel tip: pack light.)
• There was no space or time before the Big Bang, a spontaneous event physicists refer to as a “singularity,” which, coincidentally, also describes the condition of my dating life during college.  
• The most important physics research today is being done at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, which a few years ago discovered the Higgs boson—the long-sought “God particle,” which gives all matter its mass, if not its attitude. Why they found this in Switzerland and not in the United States is a surprise, since our particles can beat up their particles. Unfortunately, further research has been delayed after a major malfunction of the Hadron required a two-year shutdown. Apparently, somebody had installed Windows XP, so they had to reboot. (I’m no scientist, but even I know you stick with Windows 98.)