Funny Business

The Returns Are In ...

Like most magazines, Sojourners has never hesitated to invite itself into the mailboxes of strangers. Promotion is an essential part of a magazine's long-term survival, but people often don't appreciate this when plowing through their mail. The ones who least appreciate these intrusions often write back and make groundless accusations ("you'd forge bonds with Satan"), or express deeply felt misgivings ("take your pro-communist rag and shove it"), or even misidentify our ethnic roots ("your writers are either pink or red").

Our recent winter direct-mail campaign brought back a number of responses from non-subscribers who wanted to do more than just say no, including:

- Several people who apparently own a stamp that states "TOO LIBERAL" and put this thinking person's graffiti all over our return cards. We considered attempting to broaden their worldview by sending them our own custom-made stamps that say, "PLEASE SEND ME A THREE-YEAR SUBSCRIPTION AND ADDITIONAL PROMOTIONAL FORMS FOR 15 OF MY FRIENDS," but then we got busy and forgot.
- A woman who asked us to take her name off our mailing list, but not until we corrected the spelling of her last name and added her middle initial.
- A young scholar who quoted Victor Hugo's remarks about an idea whose time has come and then signed the letter, simply, "Froggie."
- Another person was downright naughty when he wrote: ---- --- you ------ -----.

But our favorite (okay, my favorite) reply was from the man who wrote, "I am a nudist. This is my cause." He included a recent issue of Bare in Mind, which published, among other things, a story and photo about nudists gathered for a sunrise Easter service. The priest wore clothes and the parishioners sat in folding beach chairs (what with all the pine cones strewn about). We regret that other important issues of the day have distracted us from appropriate coverage of the nudist cause.

He's got the whole world, in his sights ...

A mother recently asked an 8-year-old boy, "What did you learn in Sunday School today?"
He replied: "We learned about when God sent Moses behind enemy lines to rescue the Israelites from the Egyptians. The teacher said that when the Israelites came to the Red Sea, Moses called for the engineers to build a pontoon bridge, and they all barely got across it in time because the Egyptians were right behind them, coming in tanks, and Moses radioed headquarters on the walkie-talkie to send bombers to blow up the bridge and they did and all the Egyptians were stuck and that's how Moses saved the Israelites."

His mother asked, "Billy, is that really the way the teacher told the story?"

And he replied, "Well, not exactly. But if I told it her way, you'd never believe it."

Big Brother is watching ... and he's holding a dictionary.

We recently received a postcard from the Society for the Preservation of English Language and Literature (SPELL), correcting a misspelling in our December 1988 issue. As the self-described watchdog over "our mother tongue," this group was justified in sending us one of their fearsome "GOOF CARDS" and reminding us of our responsibilities to the proper use of the English language. Rest asured that the editors of this publication will continue to be ever vigulant in our committment to editorial qualety, acurasy, and good taist. Thank you.

And now the news ...

- Sponsors of a Hayward, California, rodeo had planned an event that called for three-man teams to wrestle 500-pound steers to the ground and then try to slip underwear on them. But animal rights activists heard about it and convinced them to cancel this purported crowd pleaser.

- Former Soviet chess champion Viktor Korchnoi, now living in Switzerland, has publicly revealed he has been playing the late chess master Geza Maroczy, through a medium, since 1984. Korchnoi says he is ahead.

- Officials of the New Jersey Casino Control Commission forced the cancellation of a speech by Oliver North scheduled for February at the Sands Hotel in Atlantic City. The commission felt that North's appearance would "strain the integrity of the New Jersey casino industry."

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.