And Now For the News

And Now the News ...

Amid criticism that emergency air-drops are difficult and ineffective, Pentagon spokespersons conceded that most of the supply bundles recently dropped over Bosnia actually landed in Sweden.

Two days later, military officials reported that American C-130 cargo planes, under cover of darkness, had dropped another 200 crates of emergency supplies over Bosnia. The mission was considered a success though no one could explain the subsequent telegram from a small Greek fishing village: "We got the food. Thanks."

The Courage of the GOP

This one is true: When President Bill Clinton challenged critics to "put up or shut up" in their criticism of his economic plan, Republicans acted decisively in targeting, as their first suggested cut -- you guessed it -- the school lunch program.

What better place to take on the bloated federal budget than free lunches for poor children? With a total annual expenditure of almost $3 billion, this budget item is almost as much as, say, two Stealth bombers. And Republican leaders claim some well-to-do parents are illegally applying for the aid, a fraud that probably results in hundreds of dollars of waste annually.

It just makes me so mad to think of these thankless kids feeding at the public trough. I can just see them in the cafeteria at lunchtime, their beady little eyes shifting from side to side as they noisily scarf down food paid for by OUR TAX DOLLARS! Money that could be used for more pressing human needs, such as congressional fact-finding tours to the Caribbean.

With all the pie-in-the-sky fiscal dreaming of the Democrats, it's nice to know that Republicans have once again shown the courage to stand up and shriek.

Capitalism 101

In an effort to jump-start their newly privatized economy, Russian leaders have issued vouchers to citizens for purchasing stocks in various industries. As these companies grow and their stocks rise in value, shareholders can then sell their stocks for a profit.

Unfortunately, most Russians are not very experienced in the complicated world of high finance and are not spending their vouchers. They are -- get this -- suspicious of a stock market, and they question how someone can profit without producing anything.

Hah! Foolish people. The Russians are obviously in a very immature stage of financial development. If only they understood capitalism better. Why, in our stock market, millions of Americans invest their money every day. And every year, billions of dollars in profits are made by many, many people ... dozens of them.

Science Corner

Researchers are now saying that humans share 90 percent of their genetic makeup with chimpanzees. Previous research had suggested only a 30 percent genetic commonality, but other scientists have oonh hooh oonh hooh eeengh hooh Hooh!!!

Counseling Tips

When encouraging clients to move ahead with their lives and to leave behind the emotional burdens of the past, professional counselors should avoid using the following phrases:

· Today is the first day of the rest of your miserable life.

· Every journey of a thousand miles starts with one lousy step.

· Consider the lily, but keep out of my yard.

And Finally ...

We're happy to welcome back to the office Sojourners editor Jim Wallis, who took a month off to finish his new book. Frankly, I'm a little surprised it took a whole month for just one book. I could finish two or three in that time, especially if the print were big and there were lots of pictures.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.