Teen-agers Are People Too

In 1974, my family moved from Great Falls, Montana, to Visalia, California. All moves are difficult, but this one—falling between sixth and seventh grades—was particularly hard. Even more profound than a change in physical geography was the new social layout.

My Montana classmates were children, existing in the twilight of 12-year-olds. I and other girls in Mrs. Hewitt’s room did notice "the boys," but playground games were still self-segregated by sex. On our half of the blacktop, jump rope, four square, and tag reigned. On the far side, sequestered boys played much the same inventory, minus jump rope, and when possible, a clandestine game of British Bulldog.

However, in California adolescence had dawned fully without me. Truth be told, the sun was high in the sky—couples "goin’ steady," holding hands at the bus stop, and eyeing pinky friendship rings with a diamond chip at Woolworth’s—$12.99.

OUR TEEN years never quite leave us: The alchemy of awkwardness, exhilaration, self-absorption, and social longing is acid-etched with precision. I revisit these times often now, as my oldest daughter approaches this leg of her journey. Knowing the young adults in our circle mostly inspires me. From our reliable and yet vulnerable baby-sitters (boys and girls) to the earnest, sincere, and too-much-bass neighborhood garage band, these people are now part of my ever-widening adult community.

The surfeit of books about parenting babies, toddlers, and preschoolers is countered by a surprising lack of similar resources for the older child. Most books about older children dwell on problems and vulnerabilities.

Cornell University human development specialist Urie Bronfrenbrenner is concerned about this forgotten group, whose basic needs for stability, community, and meaningful activity are largely overlooked by society. He thinks that the crucible where human beings are made is increasingly chaotic and that young people are quite alone in this step of human development that is as important as the "formative" years. His suggestions:

Emulate the best of our biological and social heritage and retain familial closeness. Children should feel a sense of adult presence and care even when away from family. This "presence in one’s absence" is not simply rules, expectations, and monitoring—although these are extremely important. Embracing the families of your child’s friends creates a kind of village within our larger social groups.

Encourage group relationships over exclusive ones. These develop the virtues of honesty, loyalty, integrity, and faithfulness. This is counter to postmodern culture, which favors romantically overwrought relationships rather than the less emotionally loaded friendships required by this age.

Larry Steinberg of Temple University writes extensively about young adult peer groups, finding that teens actually do better with smaller, more intimate circles than the herds facilitated by schools. Three models are base communities or faith sharing groups (such as church youth groups); book discussion clubs; and the study groups of Scandinavia, which meet regularly to explore selected topics. My daughter (age 10 1/2) participates in a mother-daughter book group whose current fiction readings are connected to the Holocaust. Group trips to a synagogue and the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C., are planned.

Finally, the apprenticeship concept, where young adults develop a meaningful relationship with an adult outside of the family, centered around a shared interest, can be resurrected. Steve Hamilton of Cornell notes that Germany still maintains a strong tradition of apprenticing, with both labor and human development benefits. A shared passion for horses, beekeeping, astronomy, beat poetry, gardening, computing, watercolors, or baseball—these and other activities build the foundations for many lifelong friendships.

Resources:

The Ecology of Human Development: Experiments by Nature and Design, Harvard University Press, 1981. By Urie Bronfrenbrenner; Adolescence (second edition), Knopf, 1989; and The Life Cycle: Readings in Human Development, Columbia University Press, 1990. Both by Larry Steinberg.