Shecky Boaz: First-Century Comedian

Archaeologists studying recently unearthed scrolls have discovered a previously overlooked manuscript. After much study, scientists say they believe the document is a transcript from a one-man show at a Judean night club. Following, in its entirety, is the text of the scroll, titled simply:

Shecky Boaz: First-Century Comedian

Thank you. Thank you very much. It's great to be here. I just walked in from Tyre, and boy are my feet tired. I had a good time up there--you know those wacky northern beach towns. Fun-loving folks, but as for intelligence, well, I think they're only fishing from one side of the boat, if you know what I mean.

But seriously, ladies and gentlemen, it's great to be back at Bethlehem's Chez Caesar, the best night club in Judea. And I should know, I've played some real dumps in my time, from Sidon to Nicopolis. And I stunk up the place once in Arimathea, but hey, I don't want to talk about it.

But nobody, and I mean this sincerely, nobody gives me as warm a welcome as you guys...I said nobody gives me as warm a...thank you, thank you very much.

And speaking of taxes--and who doesn't speak of taxes in Bethlehem?--isn't that Zacchaeus in the back there? Yes it is Zacchaeus, the Zacchster, the Zacchmeister, Baron von Big Guy.

Stand up, Zacch, so we can...oh, you are standing up. Sorry about that. Hah, hah! Just kidding.

Say, is that your oxcart parked outside, the one with the "Render Unto Caesar" bumper sticker? I thought so. Not that I mind paying Caesar 80 percent of my wages. Hey, I love the guy. You know, Caesar and I have this understanding: I pay my taxes, and he lets me live. Which reminds me--what's the difference between a tax collector and a centurion? The centurion only sticks you once.

And speaking of centurions, I think I see a couple of Rome's finest out in the audience. Welcome to the club, nice outfits. But where'd you get those ugly helmets? What's that? You're not wearing helmets? Oops. My mistake. But seriously, I love these guys, and they must be tired. Persecuting unarmed civilians is an exhausting full-time job.

But I hear that some centurions are having a little trouble with their new chariots. Well guys, let me give you a hint: The horses go in front.

Ouch, that smarts. Put those swords down, fellas, I thought you had a sense of humor. Which reminds me, what's the difference between a centurion and a rock with a spear? The rock has more personality.

Not that centurions are dumb or anything, but I heard that some of them are paying rabbis to take their entrance exams.

Sorry guys. Guess it's been a rough week, what with the escape and all. But give me a break. How hard is it to guard a tomb, huh? And with a big rock in front of it?

I wish I could have been there when you reported that to the boss. But cheer up fellows. If you're lucky, you won't get the John the Baptist haircut, if you know what I mean.

And speaking of the boss, isn't that Pontius Pilate coming out of the men's room? Yo, Pontius! Washing your hands again? Ha ha! Ooh, look at the scowl on his face. Say what? You could have me beheaded? Heh, I'm dyin' up here already, Mr. P., so who needs the help?

But seriously folks, we love our governor, don't we? Nobody, and I mean nobody, grovels before the Emperor like our Pontius. It's a real gift.

And speaking of the Emperor, and I mean this sincerely, Caesar is the kindest, warmest, most compassionate man I have ever known.

Not!

Say, did you hear about Barabbas? Yeah, he was arrested again. They booked him for grand theft burro.

And have you heard about the new scam the Sadducees are running over at the temple? Something called "bingo." The church folks love it, I hear, and the winners get discounts at the sacrificial meat counter.

And speaking of the temple, what day is complete without a condescending scowl from one of our great interpreters of the law, the Pharisees? Nothing brightens up the Sabbath like being flogged for bending over to pick up something you dropped.

Which reminds me, I heard that Satan once offered unlimited wealth, power, and fame to a Pharisee in return for his soul. The Pharisee replied: "Sounds good to me. What's the catch?"

And do you know how to tell a Pharisee from a poisonous snake? Me neither.

Well, I see my time is up. Sam the Sham and the Sadducees are going to do "Cabaret" for you. Something about seeing religious leaders in drag that gets me right here, you know what I mean? But anyway, it's been great, and as my lute player Raheeb starts my theme song I can only say:

You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss, a scythe is just a scythe, the fundamental things apply, pay your taxes and be good to each other...GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.