Get rid of your pastoral counselors, your financial advisers, and your horoscopes. There's a new talent on the airwaves, a brilliant mind bent on helping people in every phase of life. He's versed in matters both scientific and political, in subjects biblical and secular. He's "Mr. H'rumphs," and his new radio call-in show (appropriately titled "Ask Mr. H'rumphs") is now being broadcast in virtually every major media market.
As you can see from the following transcript of the first show, "Mr. H'rumphs" is your one-stop problem-solver, your answer man for the '90s.
All right, every one of our lines is lit, so let's get started. Boston, you're on the air.
Thanks for taking my call, Mr. H'rumphs. I've got a question for you.
Go ahead, please.
Yeah. Okay, well, I'm a little nervous...
Nothing to be nervous about. Go ahead please, Boston.
OK, well I've never, like, called a radio show before, and, well...
Cleveland, you're on the radio with "Ask Mr. H'rumphs."
Thanks. Love your show. Say, I can't find Paul's letter to Philemon.
It's in the Bible.
Yeah, I know that...
It's in the back.
Yeah, I know it's in the New Testament, but I can't...
Sir, do you have one of those Bibles with that real thin, onionskin sort of paper?
Why, yes...
Okay, that's your problem. If you've got any moisture in the air whatsoever, those pages are going to stick together. Which is no big deal if you're looking for, say, Isaiah. But your Philemons tend to hide out on humid days. Not to mention Titus. I tried to read that one on a beach once, and forget it. One wrong page turn and it's over.
Nope, you people with onionskin Bibles better stick with your basics: your Matthews, your Lukes, maybe an occasional Deuteronomy. Leave the little books to people with those Living Bibles, the ones with thick, cardboard-like pages. The translations are a little weak, but at least you can find the stuff. Albuquerque, you're next with "Mr. H'rumphs."
Sylvia? Is that you? It's been too long, babe. Give me some good phone lovin', hon...
I'm sorry, sir, but you've dialed incorrectly. You want 1-900-HOT-TALK. Los Angeles, you're next.
Yes, Mr. H'rumphs. This is a real pleasure. I'm an internal medicine specialist here at L.A. General. In fact, I'm in surgery right now.
Yes, what can I help you with?
Well, I'm trying to resect this bowel, and I'm getting a little bleeding on the...
On the back side, right? Near the duodenum?
Why, yes. How did you...?
Happens a lot. Try pressing gently against the spleen while tying off the adjacent area of the small intestine with a Number Four clamp. That should slow the leakage while you proceed.
It's working! Incredible, Mr. H'rumphs, I can't wait to tell my colleagues!
No problem. South Bend, Indiana, you're next with "Ask Mr. H'rumphs."
I'VE FALLEN DOWN AND I CAN'T GET UP...!
Miami, go ahead please.
Yo, H'rumphs-meister! Awesome show. Say, how come a one-dimensional actor like Kevin Costner keeps getting all the big movie roles?
That's a good question. Wichita, you're next.
You're scum, Mr. H'rumphs. You make me wanna puke. Your show is a filthy slime across this great land. You and your liberal ideas are the work of Satan. You deserve to be...
Hello, Grandpa. Glad you're feeling better. Now walk down to the nurses' station and tell them to take you to lunch. Washington, D.C., you're next on "Ask Mr. H'rumphs."
Mr. H'rumphs, this is the President. Any suggestions? Anything at all?
Could you please be more specific, Mr. President?
Well, you know, do you have any ideas on...uhmm...the economy, or maybe unemployment? I'm kind of at a loss here.
Mr. President, I'm afraid we're up against the newsbreak, so I'm going to have to put you on hold. Try not to touch anything until I get back.
Okay. Sounds good. Then maybe I could run a couple of campaign slogans by you. Like "George Bush: It Can't Get Any Worse." Or how about ".02 Percent Growth Is Good Growth." I also like this one: "Four More Great State of the Union Addresses." That's my favorite....
We'll be back in a moment.
Ed Spivey is art director of Sojourners.
Got something to say about what you're reading? We value your feedback!