From Hollywood ... And Beyond

WHILE DESPERATELY PERUSING the news for anything not related to the coronavirus, or the economy, or the fact that we have one last chance to save our democracy—you know, the boring stuff—I read that NASA will be making a movie on the International Space Station, featuring Tom Cruise. The $150 billion laboratory orbits about 250 miles above the Earth, which is 250 miles farther than was necessary to achieve its principle scientific discovery: Camping in space is expensive.

I could have told them that.

If there were justice in this world, Tom Cruise would instead be making a movie at the Superconducting Super Collider, a much less costly project that could have produced innumerable scientific breakthroughs in physics. Plus, its site in north-central Texas is well known for its ample gravity and breathable air. But Congress canceled it mid-construction in 1993, and the U.S. instead spent more than 10 times as much on the space station.

The collider was my fave project in the 1980s. You want breakthroughs in understanding how our physical world came to be—I used to say at parties—you go with the collider. You want to watch an astronaut drink upside down—I would add, ruefully, at that same party—then the space station is your boondoggle of choice.

But since I lobbied for the project mainly at parties instead of, say, congressional budget hearings, we’re stuck with the space station. (Too late I realized my considerable influence was directed at the wrong people, just because they had beer.)

But now that we’re stuck with it, we might as well make a movie on it. And Tom Cruise is probably the right choice. He already made War of the Worlds, a film about defeating aliens (and with the recent discovery of regular microbursts from deep space, there’s definitely intelligent life out there we may have to deal with). Although in the movie Cruise didn’t personally defeat the aliens; common bacteria did the trick. (Note to aliens: Bacteria schmacteria. We’ve got a virus now that’s so bad the CDC recommends you get no closer than the Big Dipper.)

ONE HAS TO admire Cruise’s gutsy plan to launch into near-Earth orbit. It’s not that near. Yes, 250 miles from Hollywood will get you almost to Las Vegas, with some nice scenery on the way. But straight up from Cape Canaveral—pulling three Gs and guaranteeing bad hair on arrival—may have him wishing he’d never listened to his agent.

Given the harsh conditions of space, the film can’t include some of the signature scenes of a Cruise movie. For example, how do you have a car chase when you can’t get a car up in space? I mean, another car. Elon Musk already sent a Tesla Roadster into Earth’s orbit. But the standard orbital speed of 17,000 mph might make it difficult for pedestrians to jump out of the way when Cruise crashes through a colorful open-air market in hot pursuit of the bad guys. In the tight confines of the space station, the only action will be drinking water upside down, dramatically. It’s fun to watch, but probably not worth the ticket price, which is $150,000,000,000 plus your monthly Netflix fee.

HOLLYWOOD’S TRIP TO the space station is still in the early planning stages, but there’s no problem in fast-tracking it. Recent White House rollbacks of regulations will minimize time-consuming quality control and those troublesome safety checks. As a result, the ship may rattle a bit on takeoff and lose a couple parts over the Atlantic. But there’s always duct tape.