AS ONE OF the few white males who has not declared his candidacy for president, I’m actually enjoying the relative calm before the upcoming election season. Our television shows are still punctuated by soothingly predictable commercials about luxury cars and erectile dysfunction. In a few months they’ll be railing against job-killing gay marriage and the evils of climate science, also job-killing, followed by the reassuring voice of a man who says “I apologize for this message.” (Kidding. But wouldn’t that be great?!)
At this point, with little at stake, the legions of Republican candidates are of interest only for their entertainment value, their speeches lacking in substance but their repetitive talking points ripe with possibility for drinking games. (Caution: When listening to Ted Cruz, don’t choose the words “constitution” or “unadulterated judicial activism” if you’re the designated driver.)
We’re at that sweet spot in time when Iowa is just a state known for its agricultural products (corn, I think), and when Hillary Clinton has not yet been compared to Hitler. If we think about politics at all, it’s to come up with reasons not to support Bernie Sanders. Because, if you set aside the oddity of a Vermont senator who still sounds like the Flatbush of his youth, there’s only one reason: his age. He’s 73, six years older than Hillary Clinton and decades older than Donald Trump, who is, like, 12, right?
Realistically, Sanders would only serve for one term and then step aside for Elizabeth Warren, who would be pushed—shoved, actually—onto the stage at the Democratic Convention and announce, with weary but heartfelt conviction, “Okay, fine.” And given what she’ll be up against, The Audacity of Fine may be good enough.
AS THE 2016 candidate list grows longer—and more irritable, given Chris Christie’s announcement—the names are almost too numerous to print on a single page, so I’ll just mention the ones that don’t have a chance in your hell or your high water, starting with Chris Christie. And then there’s Bobby Jindal, a man of intellect who at one time was considered the actual smarter brother of George W. Bush. But that was before aliens took over his body and turned him into Barry Goldwater, but with better hair. The latest polling registered him at zero percent approval, plus or minus zero. So using the process of elimination, Bobby Jindal has already been eliminated.
Also eliminated are Skip Andrews, Michael Bickelmeyer, and Kerry Bowers, actual declared candidates—they filled out the forms and everything—who I never heard of before today, or after today, for that matter.
Another temporary candidate is Carly Fiorina, an experienced business leader who, as CEO of Hewlett-Packard, laid off 30,000 more workers than Hillary Clinton. Women candidates seem to be trending into next year’s election, although it remains to be seen if the female gender has staying power—it’s barely in the majority of the human species—or if it’s just another fad, like the internet.
And I almost forgot Rick Perry, who is running on the Texas Economic Miracle, which created thousands of jobs at wages no one can live on. This is also known as the Burger King Miracle, the Billy Bob’s Car Wash Miracle, and the, uhm, I forget the other one. Oops.
THE LARGE NUMBER of candidates reflects the ease with which Americans can run for president. You just fill out the Statement of Candidacy (FEC Form 2[pdf]) and instruct your campaign to file a Statement of Organization (FEC Form 1[pdf]). Then raise a billion dollars, approximately.
This money should come mainly from friends and relatives, and not from wealthy people with an agenda, otherwise you risk the appearance of quid pro quo, which is Latin for “I scratch your back, you scratch mine, then do my laundry, sweep the driveway, and take this package across town to a guy I know.”
Unfortunately, special interests have already started fund raising for the next election. The Koch brothers, for example, are way ahead in bake sales and car washes.
And this winter they’ll be selling wrapping paper. (My favorite is in Citizens United green.)
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