American democracy is the envy of the world. And millions of us will wake up on election day and realize just how lucky we are before deciding not to vote.
Bunch of sourpusses.
But the rest of us—the patriotic citizens who value our freedoms and who, if called on to serve, would gladly make the ultimate sacrifice (specifically, giving up our favorite TV shows to watch U.S. soldiers fight on CNN)—we will vote. We'll carefully look at the issues, re-sponsibly select the people with the most integrity, and then faithfully go to the polls to cast our vote. Unfortu-
nately, nobody with integrity ever runs, so we'll just vote for somebody else.
But let's look on the bright side. The campaign is almost over, and so are the months of acrimony and negativism. But enough about Kathy Lee Gifford. We're here to talk about the race between Bill Clinton and Bob Dole.
For one thing, the media are pleased that the long-awaited GOP convention has finally taken place. After months of having to awkwardly refer to Bob Dole as "the presumptive Republican nominee," relieved journalists can finally call him simply "the guy who looks really uncomfortable talking to regular people."
Bob Dole: "Where are we going today?"
ADVANCE MAN: "A grocery store, to meet voters."
BOBDOLE: "What is this place?"
ADVANCEMAN: "It's where people buy food."
BOBDOLE (pensively): "Hmm. Is there a podium there?"
Come to think of it, Bob Dole is not all that good at speeches either. ("My speech writers firmly believe that...no, wait...I firmly believe that there is a clear difference between Bob Dole and Bill Clinton. We just haven't found it yet.")