It's for You…

It's For You...

At least once a day, always at dinner time, the phone rings. It's a salesman trying to convince me that without vinyl siding, my life is empty. (Not that I wouldn't love to replace my asbestos siding, which has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory mice. Come to think of it, maybe that's why we've never had a laboratory mouse problem in our house.)

Anyway, my spouse and I have experimented with various ways of discouraging these unwanted calls. These methods run the gamut from hanging up, to hanging up real loudly. But no matter what you say to these people, they always have a snappy comeback. (CALLER: "And how are you this evening, sir?" ME: "Terrible. All my relatives just died." CALLER: "I'm sorry for your loss. But you can't lose with these money-saving values!")

But now we have the answer. We have our own script that was actually tested a couple nights ago. It worked.

CALLER: "Good evening, sir, and how are you..."

ME: "I'm glad you called, but you can't change my mind. I absolutely will not put that thing in my car."

CALLER: "I beg your pardon?"

ME: (In the languid drawl of southern aristocracy) "Really, Anastasia, the dinner party was just one catastrophe after another. And Mr. Whittaker was so especially tedious. Of course, I didn't let on to Mother. She's so...so fragile these days."

CALLER: "Uh...excuse me?"

ME: "Me, afraid? What is fear, to the...undead!?"

CALLER: "Maybe this is a bad time, I can..."

ME: "Heidi?" (Excitedly, in a higher voice) "Grandfather! Grandfather!"

CALLER: (Click.)

These phrases don't have to be read in any particular order and can be used interchangeably (example: "Afraid? What is fear to...HEIDI!?"), The important thing is...sound insane. They won't call back. Guaranteed.

Unless it's somebody from Sojourners. We always call back.

And Speaking of "Sharing the Sojourn"...

Last year we began to rethink our approach to building community with our readers. We wanted to help establish a wider network of Christians to work together on the important issues of economic justice, social transformation, and maybe a little volleyball. Although it successfully captures this new vision, the phrase "sharing the sojourn" was not the first idea we considered. I also suggested:

· "Hoarding the sojourn"

· "It's my sojourn and I'll cry if I want to"

· "Gimme back my sojourn"

· "Won't let Satan [whoosh] out your sojourn," and

· "Pickin' up the sojourn and boppin' it on the head."

But for some reason, these weren't seriously considered. Go figure.

This is Old News, But Hey, We're a Monthly...

Network television recently defended the content of its Saturday morning cartoons, insisting that programs such as The Flintstones and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles contain specifically "educational" content.

Naturally, we found this a little hard to believe, particularly since Ninja Turtles started out as one of the most unredeemably violent programs on television. But when we watched a recent episode we discovered that, sure enough, it did have helpful educational material for young minds.

Evil Creature (brandishing large flame-throwing weapon): "This is your last day on Earth, slime-lord."

Ninja Turtle: Oh yeah, rodent-entrails? Count to 10 and die."

Next episode: the "ABCs of knife-wielding."

Study Questions

Are you now, or have you ever been, accused of bopping something on the head? Discuss.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.