It's For You...
At least once a day, always at dinner time, the phone rings. It's a salesman trying to convince me that without vinyl siding, my life is empty. (Not that I wouldn't love to replace my asbestos siding, which has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory mice. Come to think of it, maybe that's why we've never had a laboratory mouse problem in our house.)
Anyway, my spouse and I have experimented with various ways of discouraging these unwanted calls. These methods run the gamut from hanging up, to hanging up real loudly. But no matter what you say to these people, they always have a snappy comeback. (CALLER: "And how are you this evening, sir?" ME: "Terrible. All my relatives just died." CALLER: "I'm sorry for your loss. But you can't lose with these money-saving values!")
But now we have the answer. We have our own script that was actually tested a couple nights ago. It worked.
CALLER: "Good evening, sir, and how are you..."
ME: "I'm glad you called, but you can't change my mind. I absolutely will not put that thing in my car."
CALLER: "I beg your pardon?"
ME: (In the languid drawl of southern aristocracy) "Really, Anastasia, the dinner party was just one catastrophe after another. And Mr. Whittaker was so especially tedious. Of course, I didn't let on to Mother. She's so...so fragile these days."
CALLER: "Uh...excuse me?"
ME: "Me, afraid? What is fear, to the...undead!?"
CALLER: "Maybe this is a bad time, I can..."
ME: "Heidi?" (Excitedly, in a higher voice) "Grandfather! Grandfather!"