Funny Business

And the Winner Is...

Our "Golden H'rumph Award" this month goes to the Environmental Procrastination Agency (motto: WHY BAN A TOXIC CHEMICAL TODAY WHEN YOU CAN BAN IT TOMORROW?), whose inaction over the years has resulted in an extraordinary number of unsafe foods. This prestigious award--a bronzed statuette of a man doubled over with a hacking cough--is presented to the EPA for its work in consumer advocacy on behalf of shoppers who must now browse through the fruit and vegetable aisles with a grocery list in one hand and a Geiger counter or litmus papers in the other. The effects have been audible, as consumers can be heard muttering, "No, can't buy that," "Nope, can't eat that," "Unh-uh, can't serve that to the kids," etc.

We always wondered how they made those imitation grapes that used to sit on Grandma's table year after year, and now we know. You just buy some real ones, put them on a plate, and then wait.

Oh well. After all these years of thinking I was eating for health, it looks like, in my old age, my mind singed with toxicity, I'm going to be muttering "I'm-a-wanna-Pop-Tart" after all.

"I Take A Size 8½ by 11"

Fawn Hall, the secretary who brought together high fashion and mindless loyalty, was in the news again recently. The former assistant to indicted White House crusader Oliver North took the stand during North's trial and recounted smuggling classified documents out of the Old Executive Office Building in her clothing. Using mainly her boots and once even the back of her blouse, Hall said she became uncomfortable with such acts (and who wouldn't, what with all that itching and chafing!), but followed her boss' insistence that, in the interest of national security, such subterfuge was necessary.

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