We are created in the image and likeness of a trinitarian God, a community of three coequal persons: a model of perfect mutuality. Putting this theological principle into practice is not always easy, especially for white males used to being in control.
In their recently released pastoral letter, "Follow the Way of Love," the U.S. Catholic bishops encourage families to "move beyond gender stereotypes" toward a relationship of mutuality that emphasizes the basic equality of spouses "in dignity and value" while recognizing "differing skills." They encourage men to share fully in child rearing and household duties and to be more willing to share their feelings.
This is welcome news for all of us committed to mutuality, not only in family life but in all social institutions and structures. And it is also welcome news to find such advice coming from a church struggling with authoritarian and patriarchal institutions and relationships.
Many families are beginning to find in the mechanism of family meetings a workable alternative to both authoritarianism and permissiveness and an effective antidote to children's sense of powerlessness. The "family meeting" approach to making family decisions and plans and resolving family conflicts is based on a mutual model of family life, where everyone contributes and is taken seriously.
"Children are to be seen and heard." This does not mean that everything is negotiable, that there are no bottom-lines. Adults must get in touch with their "non-negotiables" and "bottom-lines," distinguish those that should be truly non-negotiables, and be able to articulate reasons for their positions.
It is important to distinguish between basic values and particular ways in which these values can be lived out. It is fine to say that such things as family worship, community service, less consumeristic living, and helping out with chores are non-negotiable family values. But exactly how a family lives them out day-to-day and year-by-year can be and should be very negotiable.
THE MORE INPUT that children have into family decisions, the more likely they are to internalize parental values and the less resistant they tend to be to sharing in family responsibilities. And the more that spouses are willing to share feelings and negotiate between themselves as well as with their children, the less spouse and child abuse we are likely to see.
In their specific recommendations, the bishops share this emphasis on incorporating all family members into family decisions. They push mutuality further by encouraging men to share their feelings and to share household tasks. This may not seem like much, but to people raised on "wives, be submissive to your husbands," it is not an easy challenge.
To extend mutuality beyond the home, the bishops urge families to make community service, such as helping in a soup kitchen, a part of family life. Families who make community service a regular part of their life seem to experience more mutuality and community as a family.
But most families seem to find such efforts difficult to maintain over the long haul unless they experience in the process the support of other families. Inspiration, compassion, fidelity, and courage are enkindled when families find mutual support in small communities of faith. Reflecting, praying, celebrating, playing, and working with other families not only increase the effectiveness of social action, but also provide the accountability, challenge, support, and enjoyment that all of us need.
The more that families connect locally and globally, the broader their vision becomes, the more joy and sense of purpose they experience, the deeper their commitment grows. Families need not remain passive victims of massive social forces. Families, and the individuals that constitute and go forth from them, are called to be nothing less than God's instruments for the transformation of the world.
KATHLEEN and JAMES McGINNIS are co-directors of the Institute for Peace and Justice in St. Louis and international co-coordinators of the Parenting for Peace and Justice Network.