Why So Glum, America?!

Why So Glum, America?!

Great news! The recession is definitely over--so says our president, George Bush. No more layoffs. No more downward mobility. No more irritating notices from collection agents. So get with it, America! It's over. Let's all get back to work.

Incredibly, however, there are still some people out there who haven't got the message. People who still don't believe that America is back on its feet. People in unemployment lines, for example.

Well for you, we have some good advice from a most appropriate place: Domino's Pizza, the innovative business that first brought together mediocre food and reckless driving. Its multi-millionaire founder, Thomas Monaghan, spoke before a group of business executives in Michigan and shared his personal views on the subject of poverty. Let's listen in, shall we?

"To me one of the most exciting things in the world is being poor. Survival is such an exciting challenge. There was a study done about 20 years ago, I think at Harvard, which said that the average family of four could live on $68 a year.

"Now you're probably wondering how you can live on $68 a year. The first thing you do is go to the Farm Bureau and buy a hundred-pound bag of powdered milk...it tastes just like regular milk when you put a little water in it. [Then] you buy yourself a bushel of oats or wheat or corn, and you mash that stuff up. What you're eating isn't all that tasty--but it's healthy. And you grow some vegetables and you get a few vitamin pills to supplement your diet. And I think that's exciting.

"Oh gosh, I'd love to talk to all these people who say they can't get by."

Well, you can't argue with this kind of genius. Excuse me, does the downtown bus go to the Farm Bureau?

Is There No Prophet Among Us, No Righteous One Who Can Interpret These Turbulent and Troubled Times?

Yes, there is. Pat Robertson, come on down.

On a recent radio talk show, televangelist Robertson spoke clearly to the myths that surround us. The "new world order" is a code phrase, he says, a deceptively hopeful phrase that hides the real dangers of world dictatorship and the eventual destruction of the American way of life.

As proof of its malignant false promises, Robertson reminded us that the phrase "new world order has been used before by Adolf Hitler, followers of the occult, and the Rockefellers." Now there's a threesome to reckon with.

And Speaking Of Moral Leaders

Caught for the second time in the arms of a prostitute, evangelist Jimmy Swaggart told his congregation: "The Lord told me it's flat none of your business."

She's Back, and Dressed Not to Kill

Barbie, who we last saw in a lifeboat in the cold North Atlantic, is back just in time for Christmas.

Mattel Toys has announced the new "Animal Lovin' Barbie," a with-it '90s gal decked out in a pink faux-leopard outfit with matching safari-style hiking boots. This is not real fur, mind you, not on our politically correct Barbie, who is probably already making plans to attend an upcoming animal rights protest.

"We're taking Barbie into areas where the doll has never been before," said Glenn Bozarth, senior director of public relations for Mattel.

And as Barbie's new-found political conscience continues to grow, she recently hosted the gala opening of her new "Changing Outfits for Peace," an organization that sends volunteers into war-torn areas to teach nonviolence, aerobics, and basic makeup techniques.

We caught up with busy Barbie at a recent Democratic fund-raiser, where she insisted that she and Mario Cuomo were "just good friends."

And Finally...

As my two daughters have grown, I've witnessed the miracle of change and the full blossoming of their young lives. I was there when they took their first tentative steps. I was there when they drew their first picture, when they first wrote their name, when they hit their first T-ball.

Accomplishments, large and small, continue to be added to the tableaux of their lives. But no achievement could make a father prouder than what my 5-year-old has done. Without coaching or encouragement, without the pressures parents often apply to their young ones, my younger daughter has reached out for that elusive light of fame, and captured it. She has taught herself to burp at will.

My spouse's mixed feelings aside, this is big. What American male didn't spend most of his seventh and eighth grades trying to learn this? How many hours did we practice swallowing air, only to get the hiccups?

But how can I express my pride without appearing haughty and condescending? And what of Kate's friends, those whose accomplishments pale in comparison? Must these innocent children fear their own family's disappointment in them?

For heaven's sake, parents, don't blame the children. Give them time. Maybe a miracle will happen.

In the meantime...show 'em Kate.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.