Now that a chastened George W. Bush has packed his bags and returned to his first love - brush-clearing - our government can at last face the nations challenges with a reasonable hope of success.
Oops. Sorry. I wrote that paragraph a while ago and forgot to change it. What I meant to say is, now that an unchastened George W. Bush has been reinstalled in the White House he can finally ask the question that is permitted only to a second-term president who has earned the respect of the nation and the trust of the military: Namely, where do they keep the aliens?
You know, the bodies of unlucky beings from other planets who, because of a spacecraft malfunction, were forced to land on an unfriendly planet inhabited by petulant primitives with little tolerance for life outside their own narrow world of experience.
But enough about Jerry Falwell.
Lets talk about science, and not the kind the Bush administration rolls its eyes at and routinely says "BORING!" whenever something like global warming is mentioned. (Not that our nations leaders are ignorant of environmental issues, but I heard that House Speaker Dennis Hastert thinks "hubris" is one of those new hybrid cars.)
No, were talking about REAL science, important science, the kind of science that has created homosexual rats. (And you thought this column is never serious.)
Scientists have discovered that the so-called "gay gene" - also known as the "not-that-theres-anything-wrong-with-that gene" - results in a smaller hypothalamus in human males. (Im already bracing for the coming flood of e-mails titled "Enlarge Your Hypothalamus!") This condition can be replicated in experiments with laboratory rats that cause them to exhibit overtly homosexual behavior.