My Definitive Ranking of Church Potluck Staples

I MISSED SEVERAL church services growing up, but I rarely missed quarterly potluck Sundays. As Jesus modeled through his ministry and miracles, free food is an essential motivator. But alas, not all free food is created equal. So here is my definitive ranking of church potluck staples — the good, the bad, and the divisive. Because this is a Christian ranking, we’ll go in ascending order: The first shall be last.

7. Lemon Sugar Water

Don’t trust an aluminum container labeled “lemonade,” especially if it’s beside the dispenser of “coffee,” aka “coffee-flavored water” (I said what I said). The deacons thought two packets of Country Time Lemonade mix could multiply for the masses, but it is a diluted miracle, at best.

6. Stone Soup

I loved the parable the first time Pastor Jerry shared it during the children’s sermon: A stranger comes to town with an empty pot, throws in some stones, and stirs it with such prolonged passion that neighbors begin showing up, adding carrots, potatoes, and more until the soup is big enough to feed the whole town. A good lesson on how to trick strangers into being hospitable. But you can’t keep bringing a vat of stones to the potluck, Jerry. It’s a choking hazard, and the rocks look suspiciously like our parking lot gravel.

5. Powdered Donuts

Initially enticing but ultimately a trap. Best take your donut holes to-go to avoid the extremely specific social anxiety of wondering if your friendship is strong enough to survive being told you have white powder on your face.

4. Funeral Potatoes

Really can’t go wrong with a hot intermingling of potatoes and cheese. But there’s something foreboding in the name. If I’m remembering the meal train sign-up sheets correctly, Sharon baked this casserole for Mike’s family when tragedy struck; it doesn’t matter that this time she’s scribbled “PARTY POTATOES!!☺☺” on a pink sticky note. Despite the rebrand, a bad omen is a bad omen no matter how many cornflakes you sprinkle on top.

3. Deviled Eggs

Many believe that deviled eggs should take the top spot. They’re bite-size! They’re vaguely theological! But that’s the problem: They’re such a good potluck idea that 15 people will bring them, and now we’ve got ourselves a deviled-egg showdown. Soon, the church will divide into factions: the Paprika Posse, the Chive Chaps, and the much-feared Bacon-Bit Baddies. Truly there are far more important things for the church to be dividing over right now.

2. Grape Jelly Meatballs

As soon as a crockpot is involved, we’ve entered a whole new tier of excellence. I can only assume this dish was the accidental creation of someone preparing for a church potluck. Likely, she reached for the barbecue sauce — a reasonable condiment for meatballs — and grabbed the chili sauce instead. Desperate to cool the flavor to something palatable for Presbyterians, she added grape jelly, the only sweet liquid she could find. The combination was beguiling. Potlucks were forever changed.

1. Biscuits with Softened Butter

Given how much Jesus loved bread (eating it, multiplying it, sharing it, transubstantiating into it), carbs are a sure winner. Pro-tip: Pop one of those contentious, omnipresent deviled eggs between the two halves of your biscuit to achieve potluck perfection.