AS WE MOVE into the hottest part of the summer and the likelihood that only two-thirds of the planet’s species will survive until the next election (oddly, presidential candidates as a species seem to be increasing), two things occur to me:
• I forgot to work on my beach body over the winter. And now it’s too late. (Next year, baby!)
• This might be a good time to check in on that climate change panel the Trump administration formed a few months ago.
The panel still has no official name, although any reference to it is usually preceded by “ad hoc,” which is Latin for “spitting distance.” It’s not clear if that distance is from reality, but we have a guess.
The panel is composed of experts from a variety of respected scientific disciplines, including astrology, alchemy, Dianetics, numerology, something about crop circles, and that one with the crystals. But as different as they are, these experts all share one important qualification: They’re good at winking.
And they’ll be winking a lot, as they ad-hocedly investigate the disturbing increase in forest fires, droughts, and floods. Not to mention the rapid spread of invasive species, such as mosquitoes, disease-bearing ticks, and microbreweries. Yes, it looks bad, the commission will no doubt admit with a wink, but it’s nothing that can’t be survived from inside the comfort of a brand-new SUV.
The climate change panel is just part of Donald Trump’s long legacy of environmental stewardship. As candidate Trump said on the campaign trail, “I’ve won many environmental awards,” obviously anticipating his first and extrapolating from there.
BY NOW, this panel has had time to carefully evaluate the scientific evidence of a warming planet, conduct a rigorous peer review through Fox & Friends, and develop an action plan requiring that all Americans not be a burden on business.
(Jesus himself adhered to this principle. Despite being mischaracterized as driving the money lenders from the temple, he actually just stopped by to get change for a twenty.)
Since we’ve heard nothing from this environmental panel, it’s possible it has already issued its report, given parting winks to each other, then quietly disbanded.
But isn’t that how government is supposed to work? Identify a problem, assign a commission dressed in blue ribbons (lookin’ sharp!), then quietly conclude with the nothingburger that cable television predicted it would be.
A recent example is the president’s voter-fraud commission, which wrapped up its work in just a couple of months. It looked at the nonexistent threat of in-person voter fraud, found no evidence of illegal practices, and then disbanded in disgrace, its members returning to the private sector with no mention of it on their résumés. Done and done.
The Mueller investigation is another good example. It studied a problem, found levels of corruption and presidential malfeasance unprecedented in our nation’s history, and then issued a report that fit neatly into a binder for William Barr’s briefcase. Asked and answered.
Mueller even stepped up to a podium to confirm that he stands behind his report and would have nothing else to say on the subject (other than blinking out in Morse code that Congress should do its job and impeach the guy already, then purge the White House of his cronies and salvage the last shreds of democracy before it’s too late!).
People thought he was just winking.
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