As I Walk Through the Sudden Valley: A Psalm, a Prayer

Author’s note: If you know me, you’d know that that I think the most important thing (of the things we worship) is Jesus. And you’d also know that I love Arrested Development, with almost the same type of devotion I typically reserve for God. As a former “professional  church lady,” crafting prayers was right in my wheelhouse. So I’ve composed a psalm entirely out of Arrested Development quotes based on the ACTS style of prayer, because it is right, and a good and joyful thing, always and everywhere to give thanks to God. And also … not Aunt Lindsay’s nose.

Oh God. (AD 2:13)

I love you. (AD 1:7)

We all must seek forgiveness. I’ve always tried to lead a clean life. My brother and I were like those biblical brothers, Gallant and, um … Goofuth. (AD 2:14)

I’ve made a huge mistake. (AD 1:10)

In the secular world, one finds oneself with a fair share of temptations. (AD 2:16)

What is this feeling? It’s not like envy or even hungry … it’s like my heart is getting hard. (AD 3:2) For, as it is written, you shall be with whom you have formed a more perfect union with under God. (AD 2:13)

Oh, my God! (AD 3:1)

I’m sorry, Dad, I screwed it all up. I’ve no right to call myself Mr. Manager. (AD 1:2) I’m tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. (AD 1:19) I did it again, didn’t I? I’m so self-centered. From now on, I want you to just tell me what’s on your mind, okay? And I promise I won’t just hear what I want to hear. (AD 3:9)

Oh, God … Oh, God … We’re crying like a couple of girls! (AD 2:18) But everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire! (AD 1:1)

And it’s like she gets off on being withholding. (AD 1:3)

Well, I’d rather live like this than be like my aunts and uncles whose eyes have never stung from the sweet sweat of a hard day’s work. (AD 1:1)

Look, I screwed up, okay? I’m lost, and I hate them. I am so sorry. (AD 1:5)

Thank you. (AD 1:5)  And thank God they’ve got my brands here. (AD 2:6)

Oh God! (AD 2:13) I need a favor. (AD 1:10)

I’ve been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me and … and I think it has. (AD 1:1) Some say wealth is an illusion; well, let’s just see. For one moment it’s here and the next … (AD 1:1)

What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing? (AD 1:1) It’s just I don’t know when I’m gonna get another chance like this, you know, to be there for family. I’d hate to miss it because I was too proud. (AD 1:19)

Oh, my God! (AD 3:1)

“Thou shalt protect thy father and honor no one above him unless it be-ith me, thy sweet Lord. (AD 1:17). Thou shalt not make up a name in vain.” (AD 1:17)

I will obey your will. I will lead a good life. (AD 1:17)

Amen. (AD 2:11)

Juliet Vedral was the research assistant to the president when this article was published. This article originally appeared on Juliet's blog, The Wheelhouse Review.