Voices from Beyond

THE UNIVERSE, as you may recall from a previous column, is an incalculably vast space that is constantly expanding. So it was surprising when scientists claimed that recently detected radio waves came from “halfway across the universe.” Not to quibble, but if the universe is infinitely large and expanding, how did they figure the halfway point? Our annual family drive to Dallas feels endless, but Memphis is definitely halfway.

Setting aside distance—your mileage may vary—the more interesting concern is the signals themselves. They were described as “repeating” microbursts at an extremely low frequency. Kudos for getting the signals this far, but their crude simplicity suggests a certain lack of technological sophistication. No offense, but it’s not what we expect from an advanced civilization. Our greatest source of scientific knowledge—the motion picture industry—has shown us repeatedly that any communication from outside our galaxy comes from superior life forms. When aliens talk to us, it’s not in simple monotones, but in highly communicative ways, such as “Die, earthling,” or “We’ve come to take [depending on which Star Trek movie] your water, your whales, or Princess Leia.” (I know, that last one was from Star Wars, but after episode 19ish, one longs for the comforting mediocrity of William Shatner.)

Interestingly, the structure of these radio waves is more reminiscent of our own Morse code, a 19th-century invention that has little modern application, except to humiliate Boy Scouts trying to advance to the next level. I never learned Morse code and to this day can only claim the status of Boy Scout Second Class, bringing both shame to my family and a mocking sneer from 12-year-olds. (In my defense, I knew intuitively that dots and dashes would be of no use on Twitter. And in a recent scientific poll, dots and dashes were voted “worst emojis ever.”)

BUT THE FACT that an alien civilization may be using this same primitive technology leads me to an uncomfortable conclusion. It pains me to say it, but in this case ... we may be the superior beings.

Let that sink in.

After all, ours is the civilization that needs technological help (we can’t yet travel to another planet, although if Elon Musk wants to go to Mars, I say let him). Ours is the planet that needs intervention to free us from violence, poverty, and Rush Limbaugh, whose daily microbursts have their own primitive and alien qualities. Ours is the world that suffers from multiple religions that all claim an exclusive relationship to God. Although, as Franklin Graham helpfully pointed out, there is only one true God and He’s a guy, speaks English, and goes to a Baptist church on Sundays, at least until football season.

Sadly, about all we humans have to offer another civilization is our universal love of sandwiches, but what if the other planet is gluten-free? What then?

There has always been the hope that aliens from outer space might actually use their advanced technologies to contribute to the greater good of humankind, once they destroyed most of our cities, of course. One hopes they would eventually weary of enslaving our species and maybe give us tips on, say, increasing agricultural yield. Or improving water filtration. Or perhaps rebuilding the communication infrastructure they initially destroyed. (If only I’d been a better Boy Scout, I could be the Bill Gates of Morse code! Darnit!)

REGARDLESS, the mysteries of the cosmos continue to confound and inspire. The Big Bang has always been of particular interest to me, because of the contradictory convictions it engenders. Even though many Christians dismiss the theory as heretical against the Genesis account, it seems to me it’s exactly what I was taught in Vacation Bible School. “Let there be light,” God was overheard saying, and the Big Bang does not contradict that. The biblical narrative of the seven days of creation may play a little loose with the facts—turns out a “day” might be a tad longer than 24 hours; by 17 quintillion hours, give or take—but the instantaneousness of creation aligns closely with God kick-starting it. If not “let there be light,” maybe something else. Maybe in Latin. Or maybe just a snap of the fingers. Or a “Think fast!” followed by a hearty “Made you look!” Either way it happened, and it’s incredible.

And I’m pretty sure Franklin Graham would agree with me on that.