Look Both Ways. Pray. Repeat.

BY THE TIME you read this, I will either be recuperating from multiple contusions or hugging the outer walls of buildings as I walk from corner to corner, trying to avoid said contusions. Either outcome is apparently the price we pay for progress, although I’d be happy to let another loyal citizen experience that progress. (Why should I use up my sick leave?)

My anxieties of late have nothing to do with the usual political hypocrisy that stalks the streets of our nation’s capital. I speak instead of thousands of rental bicycles and electric scooters that flit about like troublesome insects, albeit insects completely lacking in judgment and common sense. They are everywhere and, counterintuitively, can come out of nowhere. And they move with a speed matched only by the wobbliness of the inexperienced riders who thought it would be cool to “arrive in style.” Or “in ambulance,” depending on conditions.

To make matters worse, one scooter company recalled thousands of its vehicles because some were at risk of spontaneously catching fire, an extremely dangerous occurrence that would both threaten the lives of riders and look totally cool as FLAMES COME OUT OF YOUR SCOOTER! But like I said, very dangerous and, after I do it once, it must be stopped.

Unfortunately, many riders of these vehicles prefer sidewalks as their roadways, since—and who can argue with their logic?—there are fewer cars to contend with on sidewalks.

As a result, we pedestrians must look both ways when we step outside, then cross our fingers and clutch our rosaries until we reach the curb and enter the comparative safety of a busy street.

A street that will soon be fraught with its own new dangers.

Ford Motor Company recently announced that Washington, D.C., is a test city for its computer-driven vehicles, driverless cars that will enable D.C. residents to be among the first to enjoy the benefits of cutting-edge technology. But why not do it in, say, Cleveland?

I suggest this for a very rational, scientific reason: I don’t walk around in Cleveland. I don’t cross streets in Cleveland. And I’m not fleeing flaming scooters in Cleveland. I’m all for technological leaps, but not the kind that requires actual leaps to keep out of the way.

It all just makes me jittery.

FORTUNATELY, BEING jittery and looking around frantically in fear for your life are activities that comport well with the federal government’s new guidelines on “movement.” According to protocols from the Department of Health and Human Services, the benefits of exercise should no longer be defined as specific blocks of time for that purpose. Any movement—from standing up from your desk and walking up stairs to leaping into nearby bushes to evade an oncoming driverless UPS truck—increases your heart rate and helps avoid chronic conditions from which many Americans suffer.

Not moving regularly, the report emphasized, is actually worse for your health than smoking. (Does that mean I can swim and vape and not experience cognitive decline? Does exercising frequently mean I’m not at risk from the secondhand smoke of flaming scooters?)

A central finding of the guidelines is that people sit too much, something I’m doing right now as I type this. Several people in this office got out in front of the problem by ordering standing desks, and I express my admiration of their prescience by making fun of them daily. Although maybe I’m just jealous. I’d get one, too, if I could figure out how to doze off from a standing position. (Falling always ruins a good nap.)

AS WE RISE from our sitting positions and move about in the outside world, maybe we should just embrace the new reality of vehicular traffic—both driverless and mindless—and enjoy its health-promoting benefits. Movement is good. Maybe movement motivated by fear is even better. (Does screaming burn calories?)

But pity the newcomers unprepared for our ever-changing modern world. Pilots over Ireland recently reported unexplained and rapidly moving bright lights, the latest proof of extraterrestrial life entering our atmosphere. But if aliens ever landed in Washington, D.C., they would be advised to stay off the streets and sidewalks. It’s just not safe.

“People of Earth, hear us. We have come ...” [Splat.]