Funny Business

Another Missed Opportunity

Since Sojourners is probably the only publication that declined to send its art director to cover the recent summit off Malta, I am unable to share with you the close-up-and-personal insights I had planned for this space. My editor's shortsightedness has once again deprived you of the behind-the-scenes glimpses that the major media did not cover, such as a picture of the nation's leaders getting sick all over one of our warships. Or Chief of Staff John Sununu scurrying across the decks selling reporters bootleg Dramamine for $10 a pop. (I just made up that last one, but seriously, did you know that when the president snores, it sounds exactly like "SUNUNU"?).

Well, I understand the limits of covering late-breaking news in a monthly magazine (THIS JUST IN ... NIXON RESIGNS!), but I hope in the future you will be able to depend on us again to shed light on the major events and questions shaping our world today, such as, How come we never see Mike Ditka and Oprah Winfrey at the same time? Doesn't that seem a little troubling?

Speaking of World Leaders

Our quote of the month is from Vice President Dan Quayle, who told reporters recently: "I've been blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in our platform is to talk about it." Reporters, surprisingly, had no follow-up questions.

And You Thought The Walls Were Just For Keeping People IN!

While the world looks at glasnost and sees more freedom, American business looks and sees EXPANDED MARKETS! Moscow's first McDonald's opened recently and locals were surprised when, after ordering their first taste of grain-fed, hormonally altered, dead-cow meat, the cashiers insisted on U.S. dollars for payment. Would-be customers quickly realized that the owners intended the Big Macs to be sold mainly to the upper class, diplomats, and foreign press. "At McDonald's," the jingle goes, "we do it all for you."

How About ..."Tools of the Devil"?

Production of our January issue was slowed by an unexpected glitch in our computers. In transferring an article from one of our PCs to the typesetter, both machines froze up when the cursor came to the word "weapons." As you know, "weapons" is one of our favorite words here, so we were a little concerned. We attempted to find a proper euphemism (we tried "guns," "warheads," and "things that God doesn't like"), but nothing seemed appropriate. Finally, after repeated rebooting (that's a computer term for threatening to push your boot through the screen), both computers returned to normal. Just another one of those ironic little pauses we get around here.

And Now the News ... (This Month from England)

- A British courier was fined and suspended after accidentally spilling his pouch of 50,000 hypodermic needles into a busy intersection. Traffic was tied up on two major highways after more than 150 flat tires occurred.

- A 25-year-old woman was recently fined $325 for biting a dog.

- In May, five fortunetellers from England abandoned their planned tour of Ireland when they discovered that all their crystal balls were missing. They explained that they had no intention of continuing their plans without being able to tell the future.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.