Childhood sexual abuse is an all-too-common occurrence in our society. Approximately one out of three women and one out of seven men were sexually abused before the age of 18.
This abuse may have consisted of such behaviors as making lewd remarks, fondling, not allowing the child privacy, showing the child pornography, relating to the child or a sibling in a seductive manner, or forcing the child to engage in oral sex or sexual intercourse. The abuse may have involved physical force or threats, or it may have been coercive, but the difference in age and power assure that any sexual abuse is an act of violence against a child.
Sexual abuse does not have to involve physical force or penetration to be seriously damaging. The term sexual abuse includes cases of incest -- where the perpetrator is a family member, perhaps a parent, sibling, stepparent, or other relative, or an authority figure on whom the child depends -- as well as instances in which the perpetrator is a stranger, an unrelated person, or a non-parental figure.
Adult survivors often perceive themselves as leading double lives. On the outside, survivors present a carefully constructed imitation of a person whose self-esteem is intact in order to survive and function in the world. On the inside, until a survivor is well into recovery work, she or he typically harbors nagging self-doubts and feelings of being different. The pain of sexual abuse is often concealed by secrecy and shame. And additionally, the survivor may experience loss of memory or a need to minimize or to deny the abuse.
A healing crisis often brings forgotten memories to awareness. Previously split-off feelings of pain, rage, and grief are felt, creating a multilevel crisis of immense proportions. The Christian faith may be a source of deep and lasting healing, a valuable lifeline through the turbulence of recovery, or a major roadblock to recovery. Each individual's experience depends on the faith community's ability to provide an accepting, non-judgmental, supportive environment, and its willingness to grapple with complex theological and personal issues raised by intense suffering for which there is no quick and easy solution.
Because of their own discomfort, ignorance, or oversight, most faith communities remain silent on the issue of sexual abuse. Silence protects the abuser, shames the victim, and allows the abuse to continue. Silence adds to the suffering and isolation of the adult survivor in crisis, who is likely to feel alone, abandoned, and afraid that she or he is crazy.
TWO RECENT BOOKS BREAK the silence and go beyond quick and easy religion. They address the spiritual issues of adult survivors in a way that offers hope for those who suffer and practical suggestions for those who wish to help.
Joanne Ross Feldmeth and Midge Wallace Finley write, "Respectful treatment of people's very real distress is not only a prescription for psychological health, but also a very biblical concept for spiritual health." They practice what they preach in their outstanding book We Weep for Ourselves and Our Children. Their book is respectful, compassionate, clear, and courageous.
They face tough spiritual and emotional issues head-on in a manner that does not abandon, shame, or overprotect women survivors in the midst of the pain of healing. I recommend this book without reservation to Christian survivors at any stage of recovery and to their families, friends, and ministers.
Feldmeth and Finley emphasize the need for mourning and for community as avenues to recovery. The stories of seven women are skillfully interwoven through the text, illustrating the healing power of truth-telling and mutually shared grief.
Although at first glance the title suggests a depressing movement into sadness and grief, and possibly hopelessness, nothing could be further from the truth. It is not facing the pain and losses of childhood, not grieving, that depresses adult survivors. The authors discern carefully between denial and mourning. This book offers a compelling invitation into mourning as a powerful spiritual tool against the outrageous injustice of childhood sexual abuse. The tears of mourning are mixed with laughter, and they lead to vibrant life.
Such grief work requires a supportive and permission-giving community. The adult survivor needs a safe place to feel what she feels, to express herself fully and appropriately, and to know that she and her feelings are perfectly acceptable. When the truth is spoken and accepted in the context of supportive relationships, survivors are able to accept the hidden, shamed parts of themselves and be healed.
A support group system called VIRTUES (Victims of Incest Recover Through Understanding, Education, and Support) is offered as a model for churches that want to provide the experience of supportive Christian community. Psychotherapy with a qualified professional is a requirement for participation in a VIRTUES group. An appendix gives a complete description of the purpose, limits, covenant, rules, leadership, and disclosure agreement of a VIRTUES group.
The spiritual concerns of adult survivors are dealt with in a straightforward, accepting manner. Survivors frequently experience anger toward, sometimes even hatred of God. Feldmeth and Finley encourage survivors to pray honestly: "Prayer only has power when we tell the truth." Prayers do not always have to be "nice." The authors give examples of liberating prayers that may inspire survivors to pray honest, liberating prayers of their own.
Public worship usually proclaims God as Father, which may be intolerable for survivors in recovery. Feldmeth and Finley discuss other biblical images of God and suggest ways to reclaim God as Father when and if the survivor wants to. They also tackle the issue of evil and make several valuable points. Feeling unforgiving causes many survivors to feel "unChristian," but the authors reassure their readers that forgiveness is a process that takes time, and that "Christlike forgiveness is based on a total commitment to telling the truth."
We Weep for Ourselves and Our Children is a practical book that is well researched, carefully documented, scripturally based, and psychologically sound. Feldmeth and Finley have achieved a delicate balance between presenting complex material and expressing it in an accessible manner.
The authors acknowledge that men experience childhood sexual abuse as well; however, their research was with women, therefore they use female pronouns throughout. I cannot think of anything in this book that would not be relevant to male survivors, at least as a point of reference. There is a lot of help in this little book.
In Escaping the Shadows, Seeking the Light, author Connie Brewer has gathered the stories of 12 Christian women and men in recovery from childhood sexual abuse, including herself. She is careful to say that they do not present themselves as recovered, but as wounded, healing people engaged in the process of becoming whole.
Although I felt somewhat numbed by the traumas that are matter-of-factly related in these candid stories, I was deeply touched by the vulnerability and generosity of the storytellers. Many poignant revelations of pain and hope grace these pages. "All I ever wanted was my daddy," Gregory writes. Lori Ann discloses that after being raped at the age of 13, "I was now on the outside looking in -- no longer part of the human race." The walk through their pain is rewarded by the sharing of their joy in personal triumphs.
This book is ideal for Christian survivors who are beginning to recover and who feel alone, and for persons who want to understand the pain of survivors in order to be prepared to support them. These varied stories shed light on a range of sexually abusive backgrounds involving different kinds of perpetrators, abuse, coping mechanisms, and healing journeys.
These survivors reach out to other survivors with much-needed messages: You are not alone. You are not crazy. Your coping mechanisms are a gift from God that enabled you to survive. The pain you feel will end. It is okay to be angry at your abuser. It is okay to be angry with God. Recovery is wonderful, and it is worth the effort. You are worth the effort.
Escaping the Shadows, Seeking the Light avoids oversimplifying such complex issues as forgiveness and the place of anger in the life of a "good Christian." Overall, it does respect the spiritual crisis of recovery for Christians, but I have some reservations about specific ways it could have gone further. I feel that it oversimplifies relationship with God, moving quickly from anger at God to a comforting, personal relationship with God. The gaps in the process may leave unmet the needs of persons who currently feel abandoned and alienated by God or the Christian faith.
Also, many of the prayers in the book are addressed to Father, Abba, or Daddy God, and references to God are always made with masculine pronouns, the exclusivity of which alienates those of us who see a link between patriarchy and abuse. Occasional sentimental passages, including the "tears in a bottle" part of the dedication, offend my own hard line against romanticizing anything related to sexual abuse. My concern is that what does not respect a survivor's real pain abandons and shames it. However, there is much that is valuable and beautiful in this book.
I do recommend the book to survivors whose faith is a lifeline, and who are not too alienated by exclusively masculine images of God or the hints of sentimentality to find what is worthwhile for themselves in these stories. The stories of these 12 valiant women and men are truly inspiring.
Active recovery from childhood sexual abuse involves a spiritual crisis as well as an emotional, physical, sexual, and social crisis for adult survivors. These books specifically address the spiritual issues of Christian survivors and make a significant contribution to recovery literature already available to professional and general audiences.
At the time this review appeared, Elaine V. Emeth was a spiritual guide, a coleader of workshops for adult survivors of sexual abuse, a member of the consulting staff of The Willingness Center in Bethesda, Maryland, and working on a book on healing childhood trauma. She is coauthor, with Janet Greenhut, M.D., of The Wholeness Handbook: Care of Body, Mind, and Spirit for Optimal Health (Continuum, 1991).
Escaping the Shadows, Seeking the Light: Christians in Recovery From Childhood Sexual Abuse. By Connie Brewer. HarperSanFrancisco, 1991. $7.95 (paper).
We Weep for Ourselves and Our Children: A Christian Guide for Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse. By Joanne Ross Feldmeth and Midge Wallace Finley. HarperSanFrancisco, 1990. $8.95 (paper).
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