Speaking of my granddaughter, I was changing her diaper the other day, and in the contents I'm pretty sure I saw ...
(Editor’s note: Stop. One column about the new baby is enough. Our readers just don't care. Please, stick to current events and politics.)
... the face of John Boehner. He recently took the speaker's gavel from Nancy Pelosi -- who didn't cry -- and is leading the House with a bold plan to "read my lips," just as soon as they stop quivering. I considered alerting the media about my discovery, but I didn't want tea partiers camping outside my house, paying homage. ("It's a diaper miracle! Quick, deport an immigrant!")
Meanwhile, Speaker Boehner has settled in to the important business of Congress, namely, denying my granddaughter health coverage because of her pre-existing condition of being SO CUTE!!
(Editor's note: PLEASE, we're running a magazine here, not a Facebook page. You wanna tweet, go tweet. But not here.)
Fine. At first, Boehner presided over the reading of the entire Constitution, which took almost two hours or, in my current measure of time, 1.5 diapers, depending on time spent inspecting for likenesses of congressional leaders. Many new House members were surprised at first to hear no words from the Declaration of Independence, the Bible, or Guns & Ammo magazine, all of which they incorrectly attributed to our nation's founding document during their campaign. Then they were elected. Oh well, no harm, no foul.
Unfortunately, Boehner has struggled to keep his caucus in line, particularly the House freshmen, because you know how freshmen are: They get lost between classes, they go to bars with fake IDs, and then, under the influence of alcohol, they try to cut $100 billion from the nation's social safety net.
And then they stagger back to the dorm and throw up in their roommate's wastebasket.