Funny Business

It's Morning in Kuwait

Victorious U.S. troops returning from Operation Desert Total, Complete, and Utter Victory will be happy to know that the country they just liberated is experiencing the fresh dawn of hope.

In an impressive display of compassion for his people, Kuwait's returning Crown Prince Saad Abdullah Sabah wasted no time in re-establishing his benevolency. In fact, he did what any other sensitive leader would do in the traumatic aftermath of his nation's ordeal: He ordered immediate press censorship, martial law, and the harassment or assassination of former opposition leaders. Hey, those are the first things I would do after seven months of painful and pampered exile. Wouldn't you?

Tough Talk From A Tough Man

Enjoying an unprecedented 90 percent approval rating, a battle-hardened President George Bush recently held his first post-war news conference.

Pressed by reporters on how he planned to deal with the enormous deficit, the debilitating recession, the shameful savings and loan crisis, the breakdown of the American education system, the growing unemployment rate, our decaying transportation infrastructure, the steady erosion of our industrial base, the weakening of our technological superiority, and the nation's continued myopic energy dependency, the president, in a show of unwavering inner strength, looked the questioners directly in the eye and said, without blinking, "Saddam will fall."

And Speaking of Energy...

The Bush administration wasted no time incorporating the important lessons of the Gulf crisis when it formulated its bold new energy policy.

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