It's Morning in Kuwait
Victorious U.S. troops returning from Operation Desert Total, Complete, and Utter Victory will be happy to know that the country they just liberated is experiencing the fresh dawn of hope.
In an impressive display of compassion for his people, Kuwait's returning Crown Prince Saad Abdullah Sabah wasted no time in re-establishing his benevolency. In fact, he did what any other sensitive leader would do in the traumatic aftermath of his nation's ordeal: He ordered immediate press censorship, martial law, and the harassment or assassination of former opposition leaders. Hey, those are the first things I would do after seven months of painful and pampered exile. Wouldn't you?
Tough Talk From A Tough Man
Enjoying an unprecedented 90 percent approval rating, a battle-hardened President George Bush recently held his first post-war news conference.
Pressed by reporters on how he planned to deal with the enormous deficit, the debilitating recession, the shameful savings and loan crisis, the breakdown of the American education system, the growing unemployment rate, our decaying transportation infrastructure, the steady erosion of our industrial base, the weakening of our technological superiority, and the nation's continued myopic energy dependency, the president, in a show of unwavering inner strength, looked the questioners directly in the eye and said, without blinking, "Saddam will fall."
And Speaking of Energy...
The Bush administration wasted no time incorporating the important lessons of the Gulf crisis when it formulated its bold new energy policy.
Seizing this historic moment, this bright new opportunity to forever change our wasteful dependence on nonrenewable fuels and set a new course toward developing non-polluting alternative energy sources, the president raised hopes that he would be the brave new standard-bearer for a cleaner, healthier future. A future where Americans consume only their fair share of the world's resources and live in harmony with the environment. A future where our fragile ecosystem would begin to heal itself from decades of abuse. A future that promises an end to waste and a new beginning for responsible conservation.
Naaaah.
We'll just look for more oil.
Stop the Madness!
Researchers in Scotland are warning that the increased consumption of high-fiber foods may have a potentially catastrophic global downside.
Dr. Robert Park, of the Rowett Research Institute, acknowledged the obvious benefits of eating healthier, but warned that the flatulence that results from a low-fat diet is contributing to global warming. "As more people eat high-fiber foods, the gas blasted into the atmosphere is increasing dramatically."
Dr. Park gave no specific suggestions to those who would heed his dire warnings, but "H'rumphs" health consultants were quick and clear in their advice: "Eat less grains, and more Cool Whip."
"Here Boy ... Your Granola's Ready ..."
And if you thought the environmental shock of human high-fiber consumption was bad, what happens when they start to feed their dogs the same stuff?
Sojourners Farms Dog Food (Hey, don't blame this on us. We tried to get them to change their name to Christianity Today!) has just announced their new line of high-fiber Sojourners Chow. For $12 nature-loving pet owners can buy their dog a 10-pound bag containing a vegetarian blend of herbs, grains, nuts, and sea vegetables. They say it looks just like granola.
We can already hear the howls of a grateful doggy nation barking In one voice, "Where's the beef!?"
"Welcome to Freedom. Would You like My Autograph?"
Perennial beach bum and pop star Jimmy Buffet was recently walking along the ocean in his home-base Florida Keys when he came upon a boatload of arriving Cuban refugees.
He greeted the exhausted and hungry travelers by giving them each a drink and a copy of his latest album.
The Wrath of Pat ...
When Hollywood's Universal Studios suffered extensive fire damage last year, The 700 Club's Pat Robertson suggested the movie company may have experienced a divine response to its production of The Last Temptation of Christ, which Robertson found "blasphemous in the extreme."
Last month Robertson's flagship radio station WNTR suffered more than $1 million in damage from a fire at its Maryland headquarters. Go figure.
Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.
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