Funny Business

And Now, For the Rest of the Story ...

I'm on stakeout outside Trump Towers, hoping to snag Ms. Marla for an exclusive "H'rumphs" interview before People magazine gets to her. Suddenly a slip of paper falls from the inside pocket of my House of Geraldo trenchcoat. It's a clipping from a newspaper (so I figure it's gotta be true), and the headline stands out from the sidewalk like a Band-Aid in a punch bowl. This is big -- bigger than billionaire divorces or German reunification or global trade wars.

It's the vampire bat story, and it'll scare you to death.

It seems the Florida State Museum in Gainesville employs an expert, Gary Morgan, who's been comparing the global warming trends of the past few years with similar atmospheric conditions believed to have existed 80,000 years ago. According to Morgan, the deterioration of our ozone layer and the current elevation of temperatures we're now experiencing are creating the ideal conditions for a reassimilation of vampire bats into the continental United States.

These disgusting creatures (italics mine) used to be indigenous to our land until something unknown and wonderful happened to get rid of them. But now they're coming back -- and I'm not hanging around to take the first pictures, if you know what I mean.

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