As you read this, the U.S. Supreme Court is in its final stages of pretending to carefully consider the constitutionality of Washington, D.C.’s ban on handguns. The oral arguments in March hinted at the final decision, given that, while questioning counsel, Justice Antonin Scalia was also cleaning his Glock 9mm automatic and at one point sent his clerk out to get more bore oil. (Without frequent oiling—and I don’t have to tell you this—burned powder can build up and foul the muzzle.)
Any day now the high court could hand down its decision, which most legal experts predict will overturn the gun ban, thus validating the National Rifle Association’s long-held belief that, when crafting the Second Amendment, the founders made a clerical error by using the word “militias” instead of “any bunch of fun-loving guys with a few beers and a machine gun.”
On the other hand, there is a chance that D.C.’s 32-year-old gun ban will stand, a ruling the court would announce by releasing dozens of flying monkeys—each wearing a decorative fez hat—into the skies above our city. Although this seems far-fetched (the ruling, not the monkey part).
For what it’s worth, most Supreme Court justices do not live in the District of Columbia, preferring the suburban security of nearby pro-gun states Maryland and Virginia (motto: “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being that this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”)