Nag, Nag, Nag ...

Nag, Nag, Nag...

All right, all right! I'll change the typeface. After scores of complaints from subscribers regarding the poor readability of our print, we have decided to give in and, with this issue, have switched to a different face and a larger size.

It seems that many of you didn't appreciate the overly condensed, squishy, hard-to-read tiny type that is the art director's prerogative to use. I mean, I thought it was enough to give you pages that were nice to look at; but no, you actually wanted to READ the articles. So, while the silent majority of Sojourners readers were content to gradually lose their eyesight, a few troublemakers with typewriters and postage stamps started inundating us with letters. Now you can stop.

Our new typeface is called Times Roman (named, I think, for the big-city paper that Jesus used to read with his morning coffee and bagel. He would send Bartholomew out everyday to get one, since they didn't have home delivery, but Bartholomew was a little absent-minded and sometimes brought back the Post instead. Or he would forget the newspaper altogether and just buy a couple of Slurpees and a chili dog. Maybe that's why you don't read that much about Bartholomew in the Bible ...).

Our new typeface is more square in shape and easier on the eye. Since research has shown that humans see mainly the tops of letters when reading text, a square typeface provides more line-of-sight data and a "longer look" for each letter than does a narrower face. Thus, information absorption is enhanced. (I learned that in journalism class. Impressed?)

Times Roman normally comes in regular, bold, and italic, but we bought the deluxe typeface package and also got caffeine-free bold, diet-cherry italic, and Cajun-style.

Actually, it's good that we changed, since we were almost out of our old letters. We just had a few consonants left.

Gulf Update

In the news-laden hours following the conclusion of the land war, there just wasn't enough broadcast time to cover all of the stories. One sidebar that went unnoticed was the press conference immediately following Army Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf's triumphant presentation of the allies' successful strategy. When asked by a reporter, "General, you've driven the Iraqi army from Kuwait, you've outflanked the Republican Guard and they're on the run, you've outsmarted Saddam Hussein. What are you going to do now?" the general giggled and said, "I'M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!!"

And Speaking of General Schwarzkopf

The U.S. Senate has approved awarding congressional gold medals to Gen. Schwarzkopf and the chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Colin L. Powell in recognition of their Gulf war leadership. The Senate also recommended that Secretary of Defense Richard Cheney receive the silver medal, and President George Bush got the bronze.

Once again the Jamaican bobsled team failed to qualify.

And Now the News ...

A Japanese soldier recently surfaced in Malaysia, where he had been hiding since World War II. Told of the news, the man's sister responded: "I did not hear from him for nearly 50 years, so of course I was worried."

Deposed drug-thug and Panamanian-strongperson Manuel Noriega continues to take weekly religious instruction from a Southern Baptist layman following his announcement that he had "found Jesus." Formerly a dabbler in various Eastern religious sects and the occult, Noriega in his lifetime has also reportedly "found" Allah, Buddha, Confucius, the Dalai Lama, Nefertiti, Lucifer, Dionysius, Haile Selassie, and two guys drawing a circle with a chicken.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.