THIS MONTH marks a planned historic meeting of hundreds of evangelical leaders with the president of the United States, currently Donald J. Trump. At press time, the actual number of participants had not been tallied, but you know what the Bible says, wherever two or more evangelical leaders are gathered a pulpit must be provided for each one or there’s gonna be trouble. (Or words to that effect.) Not to mention a good sound system, a wireless microphone to facilitate breathless pacing, and a telegenic congregation. And don’t forget the offering. That private jet’s not going to pay for itself.
And speaking of private jets, not all of America’s top evangelical leaders will arrive in well-appointed Gulfstreams. Some will travel in smaller jets, a lesser witness that suggests their owners have not earned the full fruit of God’s blessings. Turns out, their last emotional appeal from the altar failed to touch the hearts and checkbooks of their followers. (Their advisers warned them to keep a straight face when promising God would give back a hundredfold, but frankly it’s hard not to giggle. I doubt any of those Prosperity Gospel preachers actually believes what they’re promising. But to be fair to their gullible congregants, a hundredfold is a much higher rate of return than your average 401(k).)
The June gathering is designed to express unquestioned solidarity with the president and to shore up the evangelical vote ahead of the upcoming midterms. Attendees will be a veritable Who’s Whom of Christian leaders adhering to the best religious thinking of the 17th century. But it’s still not clear what these Christian leaders will say to the president. What words of biblical wisdom has he not already taken into his heart? After all, Trump’s religious bona fides are well known to the evangelical community, which was deeply moved when he said, “Nobody reads the Bible more than me.”
Even his alleged liaison with a porn star was dismissed by evangelical leaders such as Franklin Graham, who explained that Trump is “not the pastor of this country,” and Family Research Council head Tony Perkins, who insists that Trump gets “a mulligan ... a do-over here.” A “mulligan” is a golfing term that means a free stroke not counted on the score card. So, presumably, to the 18 other women USA Today lists as accusing Donald Trump of consensual and nonconsensual encounters, Tony Perkins would simply say: “mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan.” (Evangelical leaders are VERY forgiving, because, as they say, “all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God, especially Muslims.”)
THE MEETING will take place in Washington, D.C., probably at the Trump International Hotel, one of the few affiliated properties where his name has not yet been removed by regretful franchisees wanting their businesses to appear, you know, more reputable. Although the hotel is known for its high-priced amenities, its food service has not been reviewed favorably. Not a problem.
With so many evangelicals gathered in one place, could a potluck be far behind? However, it’s likely that most of the participants will be men—all members in good standing of the #HeToo movement—which suggests there’ll be lots of buckets of chicken purchased on the way over, and very few vegetables. One doubts there will even be Jell-O, which was the preferred potluck vegetable when I was a young evangelical. (Of course, now scientists have determined that Jell-O is not an actual food, and not appropriate for human consumption. As opposed to, say, a Twinkie.)
On the plus side, the Trump International Hotel’s coat-check room will have cubbies to store the handguns that many evangelical preachers insist on carrying, and larger bins for assault rifles. These will belong to the more prescient Christian leaders armed and ready to fight the enemies of freedom, which Sean Hannity warns are growing stronger by the day. (He’s not identified a specific enemy, but I’m guessing it’s either LGBT people or women seeking prenatal care. Pretty much a toss-up.)
With so many evangelicals gathering together in praise of Donald Trump, this really seems like a “gospel moment.” So, I have several questions for these Christian leaders.
Just kidding. I only have one: Is there no limit to your hypocrisy?
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