Finally, an Immigration Solution

Congress and the White House have yet to settle the contentious immigration debate that has consumed our nation in the fires of divisiveness, threatened the bulwark of our democracy, and turned brother against brother and father against sons.

Or maybe I’m thinking of the Civil War. Whatever.

Be that as it may, there’s a clear reason it has taken so long for our political leaders to find a solution to this vexing issue: They didn’t ask me.

I’ve had the answer for months now, and were it not for the distraction of the woefully unfair voting on American Idol—can you believe Katharine McPhee didn’t win?! It’s an OUTRAGE!—I could have stepped in and settled this once and for all.

Actually, it’s quite simple: I believe that all immigrants who have entered this country illegally should be sent home. No exceptions.

Just as soon as they finish all the projects we have for them.

THIS MEANS, SIMPLY, that at the precise moment that our office buildings, hotels, and motels are cleaned for the final time, the immigrants who push those funny-looking carts around should immediately return to their home countries. Hasta la vista. (You just know they were taking toilet paper rolls that didn’t belong to them.)

Just as soon as all our potholes are finally fixed and won’t appear again (I can’t WAIT!), the illegals that work on our streets in the boiling heat of summer and in the harsh winds of winter—I know they do this because I’ve often watched from my office window—they should just up and leave. Sayonara.

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Sojourners Magazine July 2006
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