Funny Business

Lest We Forget...

As you go about your daily ritual of taking kids to school, plying a trade, cooking meals, and calling the record store to check on the release date of Eddie Fisher's long overdue comeback album, let us not forget that for one frightening moment last month it looked like Dan Quayle WOULD BE PRESIDENT!!

Official news reports have once again overlooked the telling, behind-the-scenes events that only H'rumphs reporters could uncover. For example, moments after President George Bush experienced chest pains on a Camp David jogging path, frantic Secret Service agents at the White House were trying to locate key government officials. An unnamed source revealed that, after a half hour of checking most of the rooms, an agent finally discovered Dan Quayle in the Oval Office turning 'round and 'round in the president's big leather chair and seeing how long he could keep both legs up high.

As expected, Chief of Staff John Sununu exercised his usual calm in the midst of crisis. Informed of the president's health problems, Sununu immediately took a helicopter to Andrews Air Force Base and loaded his golf clubs onto Air Force One.

Moments later, former Reagan Chief of Staff Alexander Haig dropped by the White House and offered, in the interest of national security, to hang around for a while. But his visit was marred by a struggle that developed between him and the vice president when they both tried to answer the Oval Office phone at the same time. Secret Service agents were able to pry the phone from their grip, but not before the collect call from Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev had been lost.

"Pump Up Your Bwains, Too"

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