What is This ... The Twilight Zone?
Yo! Taxi! Could you take me to another planet, please? Something terribly wrong is happening here on mine, and I don't recognize a thing.
First, this Gorbachev guy declares communism a practical failure, then the Iron Curtain starts springing leaks, and thousands simply walk into the West. Top Soviet officials then say they were WRONG to invade Afghanistan, and, yes, they did violate a couple of nuclear treaties, but they're sorry. And what's this, Moammar Gadhafi is admitting he sponsored terrorist organizations in the past, but he won't do it anymore, and he wants to open constructive dialogue with the West? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!
Wait a minute, I think we just passed something familiar...lsrael and South Africa are collaborating on nuclear weapons. That's a little better. And hey, pull over. There's George Bush calling for more contra aid. Whew! That's more like it. What? Nixon's in China? Yes, it's good to be home...
Another Episode of "Frontier Dad"
Camping with the family is the kind of weekend pleasure only a seasoned veteran of the outdoors, like myself, can appreciate. There is so much to experience out there in the woods, so much to learn from nature, so many sights and sounds, so many stains that don't come out.
Unfortunately, our most recent stay in the woods was unabbreviated by the climatic menaces that usually force us to return home early (no wind, no rain, temperature in high 70s), and thus we were forced to remain out-of-doors for the entire two-day period. But I overcame these setbacks by jotting down for the rest of you "Frontier Dads" some important dos and don'ts of family camping.
- When chopping wood for the fire, leave adequate space between your foot and the part of the wood you are actually striking with your ax. Failure to observe this rule often leads to a condition I like to call "campground toes."
- Wait until after dark before removing prechopped wood from neighboring campsites.
- Battery-operated VCRs are preferred over the gasoline-powered versions, since the noise of the generator attracts too much attention from those who foolishly left their own behind.
And Now the News
- Police in Mount Hope, West Virginia theorized that teenage vandals were responsible for the slashed tires they recently found on more than a dozen cars and trucks. A week later, however, police charged Donald Ellison, manager of the Fayette Tire Shop, with the attacks.
- Hopkinton, Rhode Island Town Council President Sandra Johanson got an interesting phone call shortly after she reported her golden retriever missing. A man phoned her saying, "Get off the council, and you'll get your dog back." Ms. Johanson refused. (No, we haven't heard yet about the dog ...)
- And finally, communists joining the rush to democracy should heed a word of caution regarding any similarly enthusiastic embrace of capitalism. Members of the Communist Party of Finland were caught in a scandal last year after having lost $2.5 million of Party money through bad investments. Apparently, when E.F. Hutton spoke, they listened.
The 1990s: A Look Forward ...
The turn of a decade seems an important time to look back, to ponder the events that have shaped our lives as a nation and as a world. More importantly, it is a time to take a completely arbitrary calendar event and pretend that history fits into neat little 10-year chunks of social and cultural change, to which we can then assign artificial labels and pretend to understand ourselves better through cover stories in Time and Newsweek.
Well, "H'rumphs" will NOT BE SCOOPED by the likes of these. Where there are superficial generalities to be made, let the record show that this column will be first.
In that spirit, we once again make our pledge of journalistic vigilance. We promise that in the coming decade this column will give you even more of what you have come to expect from it: more news and analysis, more photo essays, more interviews with heads of state, more useful household hints, and more cute anecdotes about my two daughters. In short, we will not depart from our commitment to cut straight to the periphery of the issues of the day.
And we seek no reward other than your trust, your loyalty, and your willingness to pass out a few tracts at the airport on weekends.
Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.
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