Groping for Answers at the Airport

As one would predict, many humor writers are taking cheap shots at the new pat-down rules at airports. But at Sojourners we're different. Call it maturity, call it patriotism, but we take seriously the security of our national transportation system and would never stoop to tawdry jokes about agents groping strangers. At least not in the first paragraph.

But now that we're comfortably in the second paragraph, we can [giggle] probe this issue more deeply and [snicker] get to the bottom of it. Frankly, Americans are expressing mixed feelings about the new federal policy of fondling private citizens at airports. Oh sure, this happens on a regular basis in restrooms visited by members of Congress, but to the general public it’s a new experience. On the one hand, the airport pat-down -- in combination with the full-body X-ray scan -- might be the only physical examination you can get without a co-pay.

Security official: "You're free to go, sir, but I'd have that prostate checked out. It's a little enlarged. Of course, that's not surprising for a man your age, but I would still suggest --

Passenger: "OKAY FINE!"

Security official: "Next passenger, please. Now bend your knees, and cough."

Airport pat-downs could also greatly improve American dating practices. No longer would unattached persons have to subject themselves to the sketchy club scene or sign up for dating websites such as eHarmony or MyMotherStillThinksI'mCute.ugh. A security pat-down makes all this unnecessary, and it greatly accelerates the standard social timetable. When somebody bends down in front of you and squeezes your thigh, you're already on, like, the second date.

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Sojourners Magazine February 2011
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