Not So Merry Christmas

Illustration by Ken Davis

DESPITE THE heart-felt and hand-written requests from thousands of American children in their Christmas letters, Santa has just announced he cannot bring them a new Congress this year. He tried, Santa wants us all to know; he tried hard. But he and his elves finally gave up when even the parts imported from China couldn’t make the thing work.

They first attempted to construct something with U.S.-made components, but it was almost as if the parts didn’t want to work together, like they had minds of their own. This surprised the elves since Congress—which has no apparent moving parts—hasn’t had a sentient thought in years.

However, as a small concession to all those disappointed little children, Santa this year will be honoring Christmas wishes that have traditionally been difficult to fulfill.

If Sally from Shreveport can’t get a workable electoral body in the nation’s capital, then she gets a pony. Simple as that. She asked for it last year—in fact she’s been asking for a long time—but this year she’ll get it. If her parents are not sure what to do with a 600-pound animal that requires constant attention and care, then maybe next time they’ll think twice before voting for a member of Congress who wears a three-cornered hat and proudly refuses to be treaded on, even though nobody’s trying.

And Jimmy in Toledo, if you still want that race car, that real race car, it’s no problem this year. His parents might not think it’s safe for a 6-year-old to have a vehicle that can reach 200 mph before flipping over in the cul de sac, but that’s what happens when mommy and daddy send crazy people to Washington, D.C. (Not to mention the problem of squeezing another car into their garage, which already has two SUVs with bumper stickers that say “Repeal Obamacare! I’m Not Sick!”)

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